oh jeez...

well, someone out there in internetland hates me... ellen rocks! i heart lauren graham it's been 4 days since i've left my house :D i want skittles and some chips...

GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

blogger is against me (b/c i'm jewish)

ugh....

man.. i just wrote the LONGEST post.. and it won't publish... damn... hang on, i'm trying to recover it as i write...hazza! there it is! damn it's cold down here... so i have 2 rants, a quick update, and my plans this week... rant 1. so i recently saw derailed and harry potter. now, (i just forgot my 2nd rant.. ) (i just sneezed twice...)... liked potter...(not a harryhead.. but the movies are rather entertaining.. this was the most entertaining yet...great fx, holy built harry... and ron+bros..they need to become legal fast!) derailed was a bit disappointing... here's my beef... those who know me, know that i have an interest in the representation/portrayl/purpose of sexual violence on screen. now, (spoiler ahead) it turns out that jen aniston and attacker vincent cassell (who's brilliant but should only do french flicks.. he's not half as menacing in english as he is in french... not nearly as attractive and seductive...anyways, i digress) so they are in cahoots w/ each other... now the thing that bugs me...(and in this case i understand why this was used..) is that they end up negating the rape that occured.... why do they do that? they pretend to attempt to deal w/ a serious issue, and then abandon it.. making the world safe again.. veronica mars did the same thing... why does no one have the balls to deal???? ugh.. wait till i make my movie!!! i think that people think that if it's not on film it doesn't exist... oh, how naive and ridiculous... i'm pissed...:( and i still can't remember my 2nd rant... oh well... so this week, i got a ton of really healthy food... cooked some wickedly excellent meals, ate out, saw the flicks, got a new stove (will try it out on friday and give an update) and just totally chilled :D however, i didn't sleep as well as i hoped... :( don't know why.. insomnia is returning... plans for this week: HERMITING IT UP!! nothing till friday (so i'll be home sunday-friday) saturday a nightmare on elm st. marathon w/ big Z, (well, mini marathon, i'm missing 2 and 5 but those are the lamest ones anyways, and we're skipping one b/c we just saw it last horror marathon we had)...umm i think i have something on sunday.. but probably not... oh ya, i just remembered my rant...WHAT THE FUCK IS UP W/ THE WEATHER!? LIKE... fuck! i was all happy w/ the cold and the dark.. and now this shit! ugh.. i was all ready to change sheets (to new ones....that i got months ago) and get my new comforter (also bought months ago) and wear my new pjs! (yes, they too were bought months ago)... sigh.. well, it'll get colder again wed... let's hope it just goes lower and lower...(so all you assholes who want the warmth... STOP IT! AND FUCK OFF! give me my damn winter! i've been waiting all summer for this!) (i deserve some happiness too!) signing off.. indigo

hazza!

so i was supposed to stay in for a couple of days.. but the boy called.. and i jumped... :S anyways... i also left for some MOVIES! oh ya... i gots me some flicks :D original copies (on vhs) of the running man, freddy's dead: the final nightmare and scream, new copy of a nightmare of elm st. 4:dream master and the delux ed of terminator 2: judgement day pretty damn groovy! i almost bought ghostbusters(both of them) and flatliners, and the omen, and conspirancy theory.. and i'm hoping to get sin city and war of the worlds later in dec. 19 MORE DAYS TILL GG!!!! can hardly wait... this countdown has been going on since like day 120! can't believe it's almost that day... ok.. back to watching scream :D groovy take care kids

the wire has been tripped

the boy is back! seeing him tomorrow :D we're not broken up :D he was a usual man and was oblivious but we're up to snuff :D yay :D

when the insane fight back part 1

“Why do you insist on coming here almost every day?� she sat at her computer and didn’t look at him. “I want to help you.� He stared at her intently. “Why do you presume I need help?� she brazenly looked back. �Why? Because you’re ill, you’re a very sick girl, and you need help, treatment.� He was imploring her. “No I’m not. Just because I don’t conform to your social ideal doesn’t mean I’m sick.� “Come on! You, you see things! You’re delusional, you hear voices, you never leave the house! That’s a sickness. You need help!� “I’ve never harmed anyone, I mind my own business, and keep to myself, I, I don’t DO anything... How is that wrong? You keep telling me that my life, and the way I conduct myself is wrong, and, what if you’re wrong? What if you’re the one who needs the help?� “You can’t be serious?� “Oh, but I am.� She smugly smiled. “Who put you in charge? Who are you to distinguish between sane and insane? Why do you have the power and the audacity to tell me that I’m in the wrong? There are plenty of other people who do things way worse than me.� “True. But I think it’s better to treat you before you get to that dangerous destructive level.� “And what makes you think that I’ll ever get there? I’ve been living like this for years. I’ve very peaceful. I have no need to go postal.� “Ok, but what if you take a turn to the worst? And you, and suddenly…� he was reaching for words. “Suppose I do. Suppose I do for some reason give in and indulge and react with my voices and delusions.� He cut her off, “you don’t now?� “No, I just, I don’t really, it’s not like I have conversations with them. They’re just there, they do most of the talking.� She was distracted. “Anyways, so what? If they tell me to kill, who would I kill? Who would I hurt? My delusions? The voices in my head? I never leave my apartment. I never see anyone, except you. So where’s the harm?� she smiled; she had won this battle. “No, there aren’t other people, but what about you?� “Me?� “Yes. You could end up harming yourself.� She sighed. “Doc, come on! I have no family, no friends, I’m pretty much confined to this place. I’m not on the brink of some mind blowing revelation. If I died? Who cares? I’m not afraid of death.�

an unhappy hermit...

ugh.... i tell ya.. no one understand the sacrifice of a hermit... so i had to leave the house today , i have to leave tomorrow, and i have to leave monday...but then i'm in until thursday.... ok, so today, was the infamous henry v opening night... i hate shakespear, but the production was pretty spectacular... peter cockette did an amazing job, and it was quite the experience... the actors were amazing... special shout out to rick, mon, and kyrstin.... then we had a little shindig and my prof was there... sigh... she's great....actors are insane... it was a real feeling of love in that room... genuine appreciation for everyone involved, and just a great atmosphere... food, some booze... lots of groovyness... then i walked home with mel and simon and had some pretty honest discussion about stuff... had some awesome laughs... ate some pizza...(i love my friends) and then i sat at my computer, and thought about how i hate leaving the house.... tomorrow, i have to go to kim's ,she moved to a new house and i promised i'd go... kim, i hope you appreciate how much i'm sacrificing for you...and she said she'd straighten my hair... haa haa monday, i told monica i'd go to get her key duplicated...(tee hee, that sounds dirty) w/ her and then thursday, it's bank day and an outting at night at cece's. THEN, on the 13th, i'm leaving again to buy GILMORE GILRS SEASON 5!!!! and xmas presents so i can get that over and done with in one day...i'm so clever

"she won't touch a mouse, she won't even touch a daddy longlegs!"

"i'm a ceo with add!"

"well, i'll be an unwashed immigrant!"

decisions decisions decisions...

so the 'rents want me to go home... mom wants me back for an entire friggin' month! again with the pros and cons list: pros: score free dvds work at the video store (make some money, hopefully enough to buy a 30 gb ipod) seeing family showing off my life (a used to be top university grad, in the film bizz, immigrating to a new country, and a grounded member of my community) cons: living at home change in lifestyle no internet at night no tv shows (ie, i won't have my line up) what the hell will i do all day/night? friends are busy at school family busy w/ their own lives baby lives there i'll be forced to interact w/ that damn baby seeing douchebag sister's hubby (the moron that he is...i can't believe he's procreated) being "home" not being in canada nasty food expensive stutff i'll be bored it's hot there... i won't be home my friends won't be w/ me i hate it i might die i'll have to spend time on the streets of hell... that damn baby will be around... i'll have to baby sit... I HATE KIDS.... not speaking english ugh... on the other hand.. it'll make my mom happy... ugh... being a grown up sucks sometimes....

leaving the house...

so as i see it, there are only like... 3 reasons to leave the house... 1. to get caffeine (ie diet coke) 2. anything movie related (ie. rent, buy, go see etc.) 3. if you're like.. dying and they HAVE to wisk you off to the hostpial... so today, i had to leave to get dc... and today, was the FIRST time i wore a coat! however, it still isn't coat cold..but it was so nice to be out in the cold... it officially smells like winter...oh ya, shout out to jen k! snow is awesome! ace! so now the niceness is over....and here is the ugly truth that was my yesterday: cable and internet were down for several hours... HOURS! no tv no internet.... where was i supposed to get all my porn from?! so i naturally called my internet provider at 2am to see what the problem was....the lady was super nice, and i was informed that all activity should resume at approx. 6 am.... finding this distressing, i started watching 2 films (one night stand and maniac) was bored w/ both, and decided to be intellectual, so i continued reading hunter s. thompson's the rum diary, got bored with that, and i couldn't follow what i was reading, and thought, well, i can always go to sleep at 3 am... :S so i blasted my madonna cd, and laid on my back, got all comfy, and tried sleeping, and it took me a few minutes, and then i realized, my eyes are open... that's why i can't sleep.... so i turned the light on, and watched stuff on my computer...(secret hush hush type stuff) and then made one last attempt at the tv... and to my surprise... IT WAS WORKING! but i had missed an entire episode of chicago hope... and it looked like a good one.. so all was right w/the world, and i fell asleep to mama's family :Dah... good times :D tomorrow (friday) i'm forced to leave the house again.. :S i'm ushering a play at the university... (henry v) and if i don't go see it the thespian gang will hunt me down and kill me... so that's it for now kids... (ps, i saw an awesome flick... suspicious river, wonderfully disturbing canadian film w/ the acting godess, molly parker)

insomnia

so ya... it's almost 11.. i didn't end up going to bed till after 8... and i got up today at 10:30 am... ugh.. stupid sleeplessness... :S i think it's b/c of a combination of things: first, the excitment of both the madonna cd AND seeing miss patty on mama's family... then, saved by the bell was on... OH MY GOD, i hate that show.... and every episode is worse... (and believe you me, i've seen almost ALL of the episodes.. including the ones where they all go to college...mmmm, not sure i should say that outloud...) the stereotyping, the horrible characters, the lack of morals... my god... who fucking writes for these shows? they need to taken out back and shot! execution style! (i'm kidding of course, violence is wrong kids!) but like, so ya, today's ep. was about zack not wanting to be remembered at bayside as a fucker, and so lisa suggested that as a class gift, they'd rewrite the bayside song...(ya, could you get a lamer senior present?! what the fuck? goodbye seniors, we give you a new cheesy school song? it's like, hi! i'm leaving.. i need smthing i can use out in the cold hard world... ugh) ANYWAYS, zack thought that if he wrote the song alone, he'd be remembered as a good guy.. .and it's like, ummm hi! you're being a jackass, to be remembered as a good guy? even i was going, LOGIC! wanted on channel 51!!! so he kept getting all the "gang" to fight, and then when they paired off or whatever, to write their own songs, he sabotaged their attempts! what awful awful ppl... zack is such a terrible character.. and the acting.... i cringe... like.. screech... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? who acts like that? (this coming from me... i know weird and all... but this... is just... no words.. man..) and like... ya... that terrible show... really.... it shouldn't be on so late... when ppl can watch it.... next time, i'm going to watch the today show... at least matt katie and anne are... not the kids from bayside... (ya, i got nothing) k, i'm going to try and sleep....:S peace out kids! p.s star jones is a ho!(a cheap one!)

HOLY!

huh? what was that? sorry, there was laughing in my head.... so... first off... i've been sitting for almost an hour trying to get into my friggin' account.. ugh! 2ndly, i LOVE that emrill commercial w/ the BAM! damn, that's funny... so i'm off to bed soon... contemplating leaving the house... (there's a strike at the theatre... good people... and more opportunity to talk about gg...) ok... so, HOLY HELL lauren graham is fucking hot.. i'm going to write oprah and have her hook me up w/ lauren... sigh... i just saw the new gilmore girls episode... now, i have a tendancy to yell at katherine (my tv) as acie can attest, i argue w/ ebert and roeper every sunday...(even when i agree w/ them, they're morons...) anyways.. my throat is sore b/c i was yelling so loud...(at 4 am... tee hee) i'm LOVING this season...(which is nice after the piece of shit (and it hurts me to say that) that was season five...) sigh... i heart lauren graham.... i wish jumbo would open again all day... nights are so lonely when that place is closed... :( it's like wanting to go to church and it's closed? WHO CLOSES A CHURCH???? where else do we go when we're all needy and needing to spend money we don't have? (not talking about myself AT ALL...) by the by, i wanna give a shout out to my homepie, sada... the great enabler... wink. i love ya sister :D (sniff) k, it's 6:30 am.. mama's family is on.. i find it soothing to fall asleep to that...but man, do i hate that show... just like saved by the bell and full house.... ok, i'm not gonna get all riled up.. i need to wind down and get some sleep.. so to end on a high note, GET THE NEW MADONNA CD, IT'S AMAZING... and if anyone wants to get me random presents... an old madonna cd is always a good idea, or a friends season hazza for the birenbaums! much love ya'll :D OH MY GOD, MISS PATTY IS ON MAMA'S HOUSE! (i could recognize that voice any time!) honeysuckle.. that's a funny word... my favorite word, though, is kerplunk! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

condenced days

monday i was at qq's playing monoploy with a girl who wouldn't/couldn't shut up....i laughed till i cried. (monica's farting dance) i also slathered cupcakes with icing. tuesday i finally got the new madonna cd (i'm inlove with it) then andre/sada/and jen came by. it was andre's last night in canada... goodbyes are sad. i don't care for them much. andre, you're ace, i'll really miss you... you were loads of fun, and i can't wait for our virtual affair to begin. i sat on the bus and couldn't see my reflection. i was afraid i didn't exist. i drank some dc and saw the bottle reflected, but not my face. i panicked. i have an unending darkness within me... i have a scream that will never end...i see the living die...and i see the walking dead...

two random quotes

who are you carrying all those bricks for? God? is that it, God? well, i tell ya, let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. he's a prankster. think about it, he gives man instincts, he gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does he do? i swear, for his own amusement, his own private cosmic gag-reel, he sets the rules in oppostion. it's the goof of all time. look, but don't touch. touch, but don't taste. taste, but don't swallow. and while you're jumping from one foot to the next, what's he doing? he's laughing his sick fucking ass off! he's a tight ass, a sadist! he's an absentee landlord! worship that? NEVER! (Devil's Advocate, 1997)

Isn't it funny. i'm enjoying my hatred so much more than i ever enjoyed love. love is tempermental. tiring. it makes demands. love uses you. changes it's mind.
...but hatred, now. that's something you can use. sculpt. wield. it's hard or soft, however you need it. love humiliates you, but hatred cradles you. it's so soothing. i feel infinately better now.
... love's an illusion. it's a dream you wake up from with an enormous hangover and net credit debt. i'd rather have cash. (white oleander, fitch)

indigo and booze...

so tonight was the last night of the mousetrap, a show i did lighting for... very sad... :( however.. all you theatre ppl know... cast parties are the best! ace, if you will..(wink) and we were supposed to have a nice quiet (ya right) shindig at the theatre, but then ben came through :D hazza for ben! so we went to ben's house (he's the costume guy, and lives out in bumfuck nowhere, is this awesomely groovy house w/ this wicked kareoke machine) so sean, the sm made me a drink...(some kind of martini) i had a few sips, added coke (there was no diet and mine was in the car) and then i felt like was dying for about 45 mins.. and then the real fun started.... i sang my little heart out.. was told that i don't really need a mic.... and continued to sing my heart out... (w/ a mic) and basically it was me and bridgette taking over :D we sang everything! (grease, phantom, abba, billy joel, pat benetar, we went through like... 40 songs....or more...) then we just ate.. then bridgette (the sound operator) gave me a ride home.. not before falling down some stairs and hurting her ass... i stood and laughed....she bruised her ass, pinky and ankle.. i'm sure she'll be fine.. i'm sending vibes :D (good ole jewish vibes ;)) other events of the night included one of the actors sorta fondelling me... and jayne and ben fighting w/ me over the song choice...and jayne's first lesbian duet... it was all tres fab :D and now i'm off to watch some tv... i have to leave the house a couple more times this week (monday to get my bus pass, and then tuesday to get madonna's new cd, and wednesday for set teardown, and then... i don't plan on leaving unless it's to go see one fo the many movies i wanna see so badly... (derailed, harry potter, the family stone, there are a few more) ok... i'm out for now cheers friends :D

hmmmmm....

i had the BEST nap today... during a show. i went to the video store to say hey to my friend. then a cute boy drove me home (sniker sniker). i had pasta and watched clone high. abe lincoln has no proof he's not a baby eater. 31 more days till gg. more will come later.

fragmented confessions

my fragmented self is put together wrong, and i can never be fixed. and sometimes i like being broken, my jagged edges hidden beneath layers of personality, smoothed out by black water. the locks on my doors work, and my glass walls show me everything. i miss snow. pure white snow that keeps refilling the forgotten footsteps of lost people. when i walk outside, i can feel large crystals with sharp edges that fly down from the heavens with the wrath of hell. they slash my face with the harshness of angry gods. there is always the stench of summer...and i shrink at its intoxicating odor; liquify at its presence. we create societies and build civilizations, only to tear them down, find their flaws and repeat the same mistakes. we use plastic surgury to alter who we were born to be. we mask our true selves under thick layers of make-up, only to go home to be lonely people. if you don't have a laugh track you're a nobody...the woman of tomorrow struggles still and denies her past, reconstructs her present and sells her future...poison the heart against the mind and don't forget to lather...

pedro

so you all know (and love) my little pedro... i thought that once i got serious about catching him, i'd be home free... it was two weeks ago(i think... time slips away from me...) that i went to canadian tire and got some HUMANE mousetraps... my plan was to catch pedro and keep him as a pet (i already looked for a decent cage, beddings and food online) and i even called a bunch of vets (sister included) about his health.... cleared it with acie and the landlady... everything was going to be peachy kean...(ya, i know it's KEEN but b/c of the peachy... shut it!) well, it's been a while... and that fucker is still running around my kitchen eating food...ugh! he's too damn smart for his own good.. and i gotta say, the temptation of plotting his demise is seeming sweeter and sweeter.... muhahahahahahaha... i'm joking of course.. i would never kill a mouse.. not after morte... :( that poor sweet sucker... hoh! what if pedro is in some way related to morte and he's playing some sort of cat/mouse game.. where he's playing the role of cat??? and i'm the mouse?! what if he's deliberately spreading his disease.....oh no... i have to do smthing about this fast.... anyhoo.. i'll keep you updated on that... (oh ya.. i've decided not to keep him, b/c the vets told me they don't really do bloodwork for mice.. and, get this, there's no real difference b/w this common housemouse (tee hee) and a mouse bought in the store... ) i find that hard to believe.. but still... being a border line germaphobe.. i'm not willing to risk it... however i know he doesn't have rabbies (is that right? rabies? no that doesn't look right...) anyway, i digress.... so his colouring is fine, he's not foaming, and his fur seems nice...(ya, i had a good look at him once, we had a moment.. he was on the kitchen table, i was in the kitchen... our eyes met... it was magical...) 32 more days till gilmore girls season 5 is out on dvd.. (and it's pink... woot woot) i can't wait... and war of the worlds (which i seem to be the only one who liked it) comes out 22/11, and then four brothers comes out soon too.. and then in jan. RED EYE... good times... and then i think i'll start buying the friends seasons... ya.. that seems like a good idea... man... too many movies... (what a lie... there can NEVER be too many movies...) (movies galour!) ok, now i'm in ramble mode.. so i'm going to quite while i'm ahead (though usually my motto is nobody likes a quitter.. which is why i didn't end up quitting diet coke that one time i really tried...)

"Things haven't been the same Since you came into my life You found a way to touch my soul And i'm never, ever, ever gonna let it go" (madonna, secret) so i wanna tell you about my hero, my soulmate... my best friend... acie.... her heart is the biggest one i know...(and that's not b/c she has a heart condition) she's the most selfless person in the world...(and has the most personality) she offers me unconditional love and always has my back...(she keeps me in food and insane) she listens to all my bullshit and indulges in my obsessions...(and ya'll know me... you think you have it bad? this chick lives w/ me... that's gilmore girl 24/7...ya...and nevermind all the little obsessions that only she hears about...) she goes along w/ all my crazy ideas....(and that's one every few minutes) she has this freakishly good memory.... it's scary...(she remembers my life better than me...) she's taught me a lot... about giving, understanding, acceptance, and stuff... (ya, i know.. she's pretty amaizng...) we have a special list... we have a song...(crazy, crazy for feeling so lonely.... ) we have a movie....(and named a fish after one of the characters...) and what else can i say? i love her more than life... she's my pal...and i'd be lost w/out her...

ahoy hoy: my introduction

so at the desperate urgings of several of my friends (oprah bless them) i've decided to try my hand at this blogging gig...see how/where it takes me... (how? hopefully with lots of lust and force!) so.. my name's indigo, i live in the great northern country of CANADA... i'm a total tv head... and have WAY too much time on my hands, this usually gets me in trouble... though i rarely leave the house... what's my secret? well, i have a sugar daddy that takes good care of me :D so i'm a bum.. i work for a production company in toronto, and i do local theatre stuff...(behind the scenes, b/c as much i believe and know the world revovles around me, i tend to demand attention in other ways... ) so ya.. i suppose this little space will be the creative outlet of the insanity that is me.... to start things off... here's a sample of my life :D today was the first day all week that i could spend all day indoors... two friends tried to get me to leave (monica wanted me to go see henry vi, b/c she's in the play, and carla wanted me to go to the mall w/ her) after refusing them both, i sat down to watch oprah...(and i know what ya'll are thinking.. so SHUT IT! i'll elaborate on this later...) but she had some dumb bitch on that was raggin' on her ex hubby for being a fag... women are so silly...("do you like girls? no, why not? girls are silly, but juliette's not silly? no...{that's from heavenly creatures, 1992, peter jackson} so i gave on that.. so your man's gay.. big fucking whoop... she wasn't supporting him, so i turned her off, and listened to some madonna... (who's new cd comes out next week!!!!) and then it was time for gilmore girls...(i know, i know.. but come on, lauren graham's FUCKING HOT!!!) and then since i don't leave to see ppl, they all come to see me.... so kim, sarah and andre came over, and andre got me hunter s thompson's the rum diary...i can't wait to read it... hazza for reading... and now it's 12:35 am.. and i'm off to watch weeds... and mourn for tomororw, b/c i have to leave the house... i'm lighting a show.... (well, really, i just push some buttons and read for 2.5 hrs) not exactly a brainful job... but meh.... and after weeds, (a show about suburban mary louise parker selling weed to the locals) i'm going to read my book and listen again to kate bush's new (FINALLY) CD... well, that's a little glimpse of it... as time goes by i'll hopefully seem less boring... keep it real kids...

vanity, is definately my favorite sin...

so i'm bored.. it's 2:39am... and i totally don't feel like reading.. and that intro's bugging me... and seeing as i'm my favorite subject.. i'll talk more about it... sans pose or anything... so here are a few of "my favorite..." favorite colour: black (only thing i wear) rarly i'll wear burgundy time of day: when the sun sets season: winter thing to do: sit and do nothing (and by nothing i mean watch films/tv) food: pizza... i can eat that fucker every day 3 times a day drink: diet coke, the only thing i drink... i used to be a coffee junkie.. but... ya.. i was drinking 12-14 cups of cappuccino a day plus 2.5 2L bottles of diet coke... i didn't sleep for the first 2 yrs of university.... everyone thought i was stoned... tee hee k, i'm bored of that game...i'm pretty sure i have ADD, and i really wanna find out, but i don't want them to do anything about it... i wonder if there's an online test... mmmmm... i'm a total attention whore and for the most part me and my buddy sarah fight over the flaming baton of insanity...i think she has it now... my best friend, acie (who's a smashing ace :D) is my opposite, but, really, we're the same person... we're gonna grow old together.. and throw cats at people... i quote movies ALL the time... and the most dark and disturbing flicks tend to be my faves...(but i'm a very happy hyper like... insane person) (and just to name a few flicks: irreversible, heavenly creatures, se7ven, 12 monkeys, fightclub, boxing helena, american history x, i hate it when peopls say like, silence of hte lamgs was disturbing.. no it wasn't.. (hey, you know bridget jones' smug marrieds? well, i'm a smug movied...) k, now i'm off to eat some pasta and read my new book :D see ya on the flip side ;)