movies!

recent movie purchases: rosemary's babey, gothika, conspiracy theory, hush.
recent movie watchings: flicka, the prestige, saw III.
best line to describe why one liked saw: i liked it b/c it's biblical!
oh jojo, you're always good for an excellent laugh :D lol

on a random note: boys are fun! (and by boys, i mean men)

happy halloween everyone!

more musings...

i bleed words...
i have written an ocean,
the illiterate stare at me and hate.
words spill out my mouth without thinking
i string sentences like a beaded necklace...

i live in a glass house
and people throw stones my way...
my only friend is a lonely mouse
and i am afraid when he's away...

i have an ache in my soul,
and a void in my chest
a guilt that no one can console
even though they try their best.
i have a hole in my head
a dead pigeon in my hand
sometimes i wish i was dead.

divinity is insomnia
and god is sleep
i am an aethiest
roaming the streets
praying for grace.

above and below average
a stamp of nothing
an existence of nothing
surrounded by vapid emptiness
and vaccant beings
drowing in a sea of booze
a gut wrenching life with no redeeming future
am i the only one?
can't you see me?
why won't you acknowledge me?!
i disappear again...

things to ponder...

tucking in...
naked snuggling
2 bodies warming...
mmmm indeed... makes you wonder...

random things about me

i'm a compulsive bather... taking smtimes 3 a day...
i have 4 MAJOR fears in life... (and i rarely talk about them)
as much as i hate the outdoors... i marvel at nature
i'm fiercely loyal until you cross me... it's hard for me to let go of betrayal
i'm a snob
i have 3 tattoos and i plan on getting 2 more
my favorite city in the world is paris, france
one of my MANY secret desires is to drive a truck in europe delivering furniture (one of those MASSIVE 36 wheelers...)
the three artists that just shatter me everytime i listen to them are tori amos, kate bush and nina simone
and finally....
my favorite colour other than black is dark bugundy...

random quote: if you want to reach me leave me alone!

first comes love then comes pain...

beanie had this concept...or way of thinking... she looked at those around her, friends family etc. and saw what and how they contribute to her life...
jojo shares that sentiment...
i've been thinking lately about those around me... how do their lives fit into mine?
what do i bring to their existance? how do i contribute to their life? how do they contribute to mine?
i've been thinking about past relationships... those i've let go...those who've let me go... those i wish i'd invested more in... it's time to be active... it's time to grab what you want sarah sucks it's time to say what's on your mind... and to live life to the fullest! time to appreciate those around you.. learn all you can from your friends... tell those around you that you love them... that they mean smthing to you...
one of my biggest fears is dying before telling those around me that i love them... that they've influenced me... that they've made a difference in my life...
so to those around me... you know who you are... your life and your mere being is earth shatterningly amazing to me... my life takes it's shape from your friendships....

random quote: i'm going crazy a little every day and now everything i've wanted is now driving me away...

hmmmmm......

things may be in the works...
send good energy...

fictional characters i admire...

in no particular order
scralet o'hara
ellen ripley
julie winters
sydney bristow
to some extent jo march
ingrid magnussen
nora (torvald's bitch)
phoebe buffay
nancy thompson
elle woods
marla singer
roseanne connor
and finally two real women:
frances farmer
kate hepburn

past thoughts of a hermit (a selection)

my story:
the pain is clear as crystal
i wanna die fast
i pull out a pistol
and look into the past.
the memories flying by
it's not worth while,
i feel i wanna fly
but keep walking down the isle
the bullet going through my head
i think i'm dead.
the blood pouring out
i'm drifting away,
i try to shout
but i go astray.
my story ends finally,
i'm dead on the floor
the carpet is stained,
the pain is no more.

with eyes that stare
and strip you naked and leave you bare
the unspoken thoughts, that hurt deep inside
there's no escape, nowhere to hide.
a life in seclusion, a life all alone
a wondering soul with no place to call home.
'tis a sad story, a sad story indeed,
and no one recognizes a friend in need...

to be:
a life without pain
a cloud w/out rain
to be painless
to be shameless
to be in the centre
to watch from the side
to be surrounded
to live alone
to rule the world
to sit and stare
to be admired
to be loved
to feel the hatred
to be filled with dread
to love to dream
to fear to live
to die to try
to be...

random ramblings...

the room was dark
and i felt like porn
the sun started to rise and i was wide awake...
a vision to behold made me realize
i need the fairytale

i've left parts of my soul around the world
the map of my mind has faded...
i can't find my way back
back where?
my golden past now tarnished...

a choice of life hangs in the balance
my naked mind fights w/ my external
and i can't get my selves to align
to be or not to be, that is indeed the question
a foreign film acts as a backdrop to a work in progress
and i don't recognize the image in the mirror
nor do i understand the new voices in my head...

differences...

what's the difference b/w vanity and a healthy self esteem?
things i dig about myself
i have great hair
i'm a damn good writer
i'm funny
i'm like no one you'e ever met...

things i don't like about myself...
the list is too long to write down...

random quote: hold him down! why? b/c he ain't gonna like this bit!

i need a ledge...
and an umbrella...

my friends...

to monica and julie...
the 2 best friends a gal could have...
you guys are amazing... you always know what to say and when...
i love that i tell you ANYTHING... and you put up w/ me and my antics...
hopefully i'll have more to tell next qq session...

still contemplating...

random quote: wilderness girls!

the dilema...

whipped cream and naked pillow fights...
dare i?

strange fruit

Southern trees bear strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.

i am dead inside...
i will die alone on the streets...
no one will attend my sad funeral...
wrist violins, anyone?

some people...

very few people are able to incite pure truth and honesty from me...
i mean... REAL truth.... raw honesty... things that i loathe to admit to myself...
i feel weird...

in other news... i saw the BEST movie today w/ jojo... it's called the last kiss... and it's insanly amazing.... so raw and intense and so fantasically acted... i loved it! i'm totally getting it on dvd when it comes out...
also, on my list friends with money and x men the last stand... (must own the 2 disc ed.)
hopefully w/ the next paycheck it'll be on sale at goldbusters....

what else? i'm having one of the BEST hair days ever... and a hot guy wanted an invitation to feel my ample boobs... (while rubbing his leg against my ass...) (oh the shinanigans of my life...)
random quote: how could you? i'm a woman!

finally, something good in my life....

so lately... nothing is shiny...
what once sparkled so brightly, has lately been dimmed... tarnished...there was no reason to wake up...
but today... FINALLY... that spark is back... there's something good in life again... and that thing is...

GILMORE GIRLS!!!!

the first 2 eps. were VERY reminicent of season one... my long lost and beloved season one... how i've missed you! lauren graham is looking more smokin' than a piece of meat... and rory's not half as annoying (same to sookie) and dialogue is paced, funny, and real... someone needs to sober the DOP and the editor...and ya... i'm totally hooked again... if this quality continues throughout the season, i'll be one happy camper no matter how much everything crumbles around me...
and now, i'm off to eat some ice cream...
relevent quote: oh my god, have fun on wysteria lane you major drama queen!

holy small world....

lately i've been very inspired to do something.... do something to affect change... to create awareness... to give back to this community that i love so much... (blah blah blah)
sunday night was the nail that sealed the social coffin....
jojo gave a fantastic presentation on human traffiking at the freeway...and i decided to do something i've been meaning to do for six years...
i ran home yesterday and phoned the sexual assault centre to volenteer...
they put me through to the volenteer coordinator who unfortunately wasn't there.. so i left this weird msg... and went to bed. i wondered if i had the guts to call again today...
i woke up at the crack of dawn (literally) and waited for the 9am...
i called... i spoke to the coordinator... and lo and behold... she's israeli! from jerusalem... we spoke briefly in jewish... and i said english is my forte... b/c hebrew is blah...(can i get kiddish cups!?) so we continued in english... and ya...
she'll contact me and they have my info... and i'm doing it... finally... i grew big hairy balls....
this feels right...
relevent quote: in the future, when a woman's cryin' like that, she isn't having any fun!

why do people talk to me?!?

after a long and useless day.. i was standing in the rain... waiting for bus #3 to finally take me home to my room... my perfect sanctuary...
this odd scotsman started talking to me... very subtle at first... when does the bus come? how long have i been waiting? which bus goes where... nothing too harmless...
then as the bus came he motioned for me to quickly follow him and he finagled his way to the front of the line... and was the first on the bus...naturally, i didn't follow...and was a few people behind... when boarding the bus, he motioned again for me to sit and talk to him... i did... and then he just started talking... (and swearing...more on that in a sec) and that's also when the alcohol breath hit my face like a brick wall... blah....
turns out he's lived in germany for 12 yrs playing soccer and learning the language in 3 months... and was determined to tell some of his teammate that they were assholes in their own language... then he said that he swears a lot to sort of shock me.. ha! imagine that... (do i really look 8???)
then he moved on to ranting about how he did everything in his life on his own...and didn't have anyone to help him and if he ever won any award he'd only thank himself b/c he made it on his own by himself...(and yes, he was THAT repetitive... :S)
and then he said that he didn't care if he ever saw me again, and he didn't even wanna know my name b/c that was irrelevent.. but the most important thing in life (for him) was that he never (and i quote) licked anyone's asshole and he did it all on his own...
we got off at the same stop and i was worried he'd follow me... but alas he faded into the night and rain...

is that where i'm headed...?