no title...

LANE: Where are you?
RORY: I'm at my grandparents. What are you doing at my house?
LANE: Like you care.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LANE: You're never around when I need you.
RORY: Well, you know I have to go to my grandparents on Fridays.
LANE: I know. You go to your grandparents. You go to Chilton. You have to meet Dean. He needs his cookies. I can't find my books.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LANE: What good is it to have a best friend when she's never around and she never listens and she has no interest in the fact that you're in love or that you touched his hair?
RORY: You touched whose hair?
LANE: Rich. . .Bloomingfeld.
RORY: Why would you touch Rich Bloomingfeld's hair?
LANE: Why? That's a good question. I don't know why. Why would a sane person do a thing like that? Maybe I'm not sane. Maybe I'm going through some sort of phase. Maybe I really, really needed someone to talk to about this and you weren't there.
RORY: Lane, come on.
LANE: No, you come on. You're always at school or you're talking about school or you're with Dean. You have everything now and I have nothing except for 2000 Korean bibles and a potential 'F' in jazz band.
RORY: I'm sorry.
LANE: Don't be sorry, be here.

signed:
forever in thought (at a crossroads)

sad...

i've grown SOOOOOOOOOOOO disillusioned...
i'm so jaded...
bummer...
but life goes on...
i see the glow of red winking at me and i can smile again

random quote: she makes me feel like i could be a tower, a big strong tower yeah, she's got the power to give the power to be the power to see yeah yeah...

i have killed him, and i've resurrected him...

so yeah... i deleted ALL 4500 and smthing songs off my sony...
and now, i'm in the PAINFUL process of putting on all the songs... again...
this will take me FOREVER...but on the bright side, i LOVE popsicles!
my coat is AMAZING
and... yeah... it'll be a gruelling few weeks... i'm hoping it'll take me no more than a month to upload everything...
my tat is still amazing... (watching moulin rouge now :D) and a chick from work has a pic of a wax moulin rouge for me :D my obsession is seeping into everyone's conciousness...HAZZA!
during this upcoming manic episode of uploading, i think i'll watch gilmore girls from the beginning :D this brings a big bag of happy into my heart...
peace out ya'll!
random quote: so exciting the audience will stomp their chairs, so delighting, it will run for 50 years!

i may have to kill then revive mr. V LeDuc...

so apparently, my sony is full... b/c i didn't compress the files... blah blah blah...
i may have to reboot it... erase EVERYthing... and reupload it... and then i'll have more space... so that's the good news... the bad news is that it'll take me FOREVER...
:(
sigh... tomorrow i'm going to the sony store to see what they can do...
wish me luck ppl!!!!

coat update...

so the weather's been fucking bitter and cold lately... this is awesome!
my new coat... friggin' fantastic! all i have to wear is a long sleeve T and i'm boiling! i love it!
yesterday there was a blackout at ancaster... we did NOTHING from 11 am till around 3pm... AND.. we go paid... it was great! megan and i ran through the theatres like two crack whores screaming and singing our lungs out...
THEN monica came over and we ate and ate and ate and ate... and watched some tv... and some movies.. it was awesome! (mon, you rock!)
today i'm dead tired... going to eat, watch GG and then sleep.. tomorrow i may have to venture out to slimeridge to see about my comp/sony... wish me luck...
ummmm... that's pretty much it... for now... but who knows what adventures lie in my future?!
random quote: have you heard enough? i've had to listen to that, for centuries!

sleep and coats...

i just had such a good sleep...i wish i could sleep more... i only woke up once (officially) and was just SOUND asleep...(very little pain...) and it was great!!!!!
yesterday, i got a new coat!!!! b/c my other new coat... sucks monkey balls... the seams let all the heat out and all the water in... so i got this heavy duty winter coat that's water resistant... and so far... i like it... i'll put it up to the test today.... i'm fairly well rested... (i always get super cold when i'm tired) and it's cold out... and i have to stand around... so i'll get all cozy.. and stuff.. and i'll report when i get home...
tomorrow i celebrate one week of my tattoohood...it's all scabby now...(well, not ALL) but it itches a lot... and it's just a bit painful... and hopefully by friday/sat. i'll be able to sleep on my back and wear a backpack again...
i had this funky dream that i got these simpsons sheets and it came w/ a bart phone... and i accidentally washed it...(in the machine) weird...(on that note, i need to do the laundry....)
ok.... i need to go shower and head out into the cold wilderness...
random quote: but rhett.. if you leave me, what shall i do, and where shall i go?? frankly my dear, i don't give a damn!

frustrated ramblings...

but before that... i got 2 new movies :D
grease (the rockin' rydell edition, in the T-bird leather jacket!) and grease 2 :D yeah baby!

so i've been working on this manuscript for around 5 years... it's almost 40 pages long...it's CRAP... it's 5 pages of genius and great creative writing, and 35 pages of ass... i've recently given it to a bunch of people to read... so they can make suggestions... so far.. nothing...hopefully, once i start reading A LOT... that'll improve my shitty writing skills... well, not shitty writing skills.. just story telling... mmmmmm
also... i'm tired... i can't sleep right... my back still hurts, and i wake up all the time...either in pain, OR to pee...(damn hydration....)
what else? today is the 1st sat. in months that i'm off.... i plan to read... and later mon/julie are coming over for a veg out session... food, movies and more food... just chillaxin' and realxin'...
i watched this like... hour and a half long documentary thing on kate bush the other day... man...she's AMAZING... so i'm totally into her music again... i'm rediscovering her newest album...and it's actually a lot better than i first thought...good ole kate...
anyhoo.. i'm off to start my 2nd book... more adventures of phineas poe...
keep on rockin' in the free world!
the hermit
random quote: yeah, well maybe i'm tired of being someone's chick! tired of being someone's chick, are you feeling ok?

TATOO: the E! true hollywood story.

tuesday started out well enough i suppose...
i didn't sleep that day...(went to bed at 1am, woke up at 5:30am) didn't really eat anything...just a couple of crackers (and you're supposed to eat a meal before a tattoo...(apparently w/ a lot of protein...whatever))
i met monica on the bus and off we were to the tattoo shop...(sinkin' ink on hess)
we arrived early, and just hung around.. i was acting like a 16 yr old getting her first tattoo...(not an old dame getting her 4th)at around 1:20pm he took us back to the room to start... i straddled the chair, he said, are you ready? i said, let's do this, i'm a cashew! and off we were... he eased me in w/ a few short strokes and i was jivin'...
we were all talking... me, angus and monica... laughing whatever, it was all good... and then time died... and the real pain hit...(or so i thought)...the room became more quiet, though both monica and angus were trying to distract me... but i was too busy focusing on the pain...(note: during this entire ordeal, i chewed 3 tongue depressors to a pulp....) after what seemed like forever, the outline was done.. i looked in the mirror... and was floored.. it was GORGOUS! after a short pee break and some water, it was time to get back in the chair...by this point i was in so much pain that i was considering leaving it just black... (dumb idea that immidiately left my brain) and off we were to do the shading and the colour...
half way through that... i thought i was going to start crying... i've NEVER felt such pain.. and so much of it.. and it was relentless... to give you an idea of what a tattoo feels like, it's like having a sunburn and having someone poke you... (it's actually very manageable..) this felt like a BAD sunburn and him just stabbing me... it was unbelievably painful.. my skin was so raw... and i was just immobile with pain...julie (who had joined us at around 2:20ish) was concerned that i wasn't breathing...(which i wasn't) and both mon and julie thought i was going to pass out...but i wasn't... i just tried finding my happy place.. but when i got there, it was on FIRE!!! BEING STABBED... AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN....
anyways... we were FINALLY done... after 3.5 hours... holy! i looked in the mirror at my glorious work of art when.... THERE WAS A FLAW! i had 4 words tattooed on me... freedom faith beauty and love... faith isn't supposed to be there.. it's supposed to be truth... but there was no going back... it was on me... forever... i was calm about it at first.. then later in the night got upset... and now i'm at peace with it... it still flows w/ the messege, and really, i'm the only one who knows it's wrong... the entire tat is just beyond amazing... it's just almost perfect.. but i believe that everything happens for a reason, and i love it... i've been showing it off for 3 days now... and yeah.. i'm a happy tattooed freak... what can i say...
i can't wait for it to heal completely, b/c i'm still in pain.. and now it's all scabby and peeling... not conducive for off showing...
but that was my tattoo experience... and now, i'm SERIOUSLY rethinking my next one...
yes it was THAT bad... but totally worth it!
hopefully i can find smone w/ a digital camera to take a pic and i'll post it... b/c it's truly magnificent!
off to "work"
tootles!!!!!
the tattooed hermit

faith part 2

it's almost 8 am... still contemplating faith....
i don't have any...
but it's there to remind me that maybe one day what i believe in will return...
the beauty, love and freedom that once dominated everything, maybe that will be the norm again... b/c today, what's considered beautiful isn't... at all, it's all empty and vacant... it's an assembly line... manufactured... there's no individuality, there's no authentic original thinking...
freedom? it's not free anymore... we live in a culture of fear, and paranoia. our every move controlled, and we're too afraid to step out of our boxes, that we submit to this deadbeat idea of creativity and arts... but it's all false... it's all fake...
and i think we forgot what love is... and by love i mean love stripped down to it's purest and most basic meaning... love with respect, compassion, understanding, acceptance... we live in a hate filled world, where we seek things to destroy... if you don't fit on that assembly line, that clone box then we hate you... if you're different then you're dangerous...
i fear for the future, but i have faith to remind me that things can change, if we all focus on what really matters.. put our differences aside....and accept our diversity... shine and show our uniqueness... and just be ourselves... then there might be a future for us...
long live the bohemian relvolution!!!!

faith...

i've been contemplating that word for about 2 days now...
what does it mean? i refuse to see it as exclusively religious.. i'm an athiest...
what do i have faith in? do i have any at all?
i have hopes and beliefs... but faith?
i guess i do... i have faith that human beings are fucked...
i have faith that one day the bohemian revolution will come again...
i have faith that arts will once again matter like they used to...
i have faith that the world will end in my lifetime...
i have faith in beauty, truth, love and freedom...
i have faith that my friends will be there when i'll need them...
i have faith that tomorrow is another day...
i have faith now...and i'm not sure how i feel about it... but i'm getting used to it...

semi relevent quote: you don't know a thing about love, i am FILLED with christ's love! (throws book)

tattoo blunders....

that's right... my tat... is flawed...
:(
it's REALLY getting to me now... but i'll manage to live w/ it...
more on this later... once i've calmed down a bit...

random selections...(insomnia)

their skins like a smoker's teeth, their eyes join together to form a dark and neverending abyss.
their friends are like new porn stars; painted faces with tainted souls.
franchised punk and store credit goth...
angry words that feed the mind and i am floating.
i wear my authenticity like a badge of honour.
i sit in the red glow of my windmill and i am profound.
i catch wisdom like fireflies, music sounds off around me - cocooning me to the world.
in my sleep induced paranoia i stand in a crowd near the exit sign.
i slowly fade away - disappear.
drunken laughter around me and i am a familiar stranger, a ghost.
i want to talk to nina simone, get some perspective.
DARKNESS, like a cancer spreads through me and there's no cure... only THE cure, they don't care, it's friday, they're inlove.
i'm a one trick pony: my brain overloading with serial killers and sex crime victims.
my name is a four letter word and i am lost.

floating, endless
rays that sting
people, faceless
the sky that never brings
alone, it's dark
silence pains
faces mark
the sky that never rains
eye see nothing
brain feels not
mouth not functioning
mind starts to rot.

the clock oozes out its numbers.
time like sludge fills my lungs.
i'm stuck in a warp unable to breathe.
time comes here to die, death comes to time life,
and the vicious circle continues.
alien babies crawl out of my stomach,
their fierce teeth hungry for blood.
i hear music from far away but i can't recognize the tune.
(my mill lies black and full of ashes)
i can't find the pieces of my broken heart,
and i can't see beyond my head.

it's loud.
always loud inside my head.
i can't hear the music.
the light has burned me
and i turn to dust.
they've broken my coffin
and now i can't sleep.
the mortals hunt me down and kill me.
they rip my heart out and put it in a jar.
naked and on display.
a willing freak
in a crazy freakshow (sideshow)
always on the side

echoes and shadows
mornings and morrows
tears and sorrows
cycles of ache
invisible heartbreak
no space to breathe
no way to leave.

and finally...

my field is in ruin
my muse lies ravaged and dying.
there are large holes in my sky
ashes have obscured my moon.
my eyes like bricks falling heavy.
i am surrounded by an ocean of Barbie
drowning in the insipidness of it all.
words like flies buzz around me
i stumble and fall into stupidity.
living in a harem, surrounded by sex.
like Alice down the rabbit hole i fall
1/2 an hour of solace, of peace, of...
repetition is my ANTHEM,
and i know the words by heart.
the body and mind conflict and a war rages within.
weekends become deadends, painful reminders of the living
and i have no air.
no frame of reference.

tomorrow...

tomorrow magic will happen!
i had a dream that i was at the shop and i didn't get my artist, and this other guy was there, and i didn't really like him.. or the tat... b/c it was all distorted and funky... but i went w/ it anyways, b/c i didn't wanna look like an asshole...
oh dreams.... but yeah, tomorrow's the day... i get inked AGAIN! i can't wait...
monica's coming w/ to hold my hand... b/c this fucker's gonna hurt like a bitch...
and julie will join us later... (thanks you guys!!!!)
some details:
it'll take around 2.5/3 hrs long
LOTS of colour (including a yellow chrome effect on the sun)
first non animal tattoo
first time words are tattooed on me
biggest tat yet
dad's gonna rip me 10 new ones when he finds out...(in a year or so... lol)
but this will be my WOW tattoo.... the other ones i have are amazing works.. no doubt.. but they're not... WOW CHECK THAT OUT! kinda images...
in other news... sleep still evades me... though i did get a full 6 hrs today! whoohoo! i work today... and then i hope to nap... and then get a good night's sleep for tomorrow... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i'm so excited!
relevent quote: i'm inked for life!

inked...

getting inked in T-3 days!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

update...(life is ok for now)

so today i went to see the final pic for the tat... awesomeness to the max!
it's HUGE.... but there were a few kinks to deal with.. so i officially now have an artist, his name is angus, i love him.. he's totally rockin'... we talked a bit more about what i want, he suggested some stuff.. and we worked out a price.. so he's going to redraw the thing, using different angels, and stuff, i'm going down there tomorrow for yet another viewing...

but i'm totally jiving on the initial drawing i saw...but now we've changed some major things... and we're going oldschool traditional... (w/ the refined artistry of modern times... ) i totally can't wait.. this will be my largest most awe inspiring tattoo...
work still sucks monkey balls, and the general manager still smells like a dead man's asshole... (my new favorite term...)
my books arrived thanx to my devoted ebay bitch... i'm totally inlove with the one book... i'm almost done with it... (3 more to go...) i'm also very into this stalin biography... and... what else?
next week, i'm starting to officially job hunt again...
that's it for now...
i'm off to watch pulse...
random quote: it's time you started living like the piece of schmidt you are!

a new year....(finally....!!)

i have two relatively obtainable resolutions:
to find a real job
and to read more...
my ebay bitch ordered me a bunch of books... i should get them next week... yay!
so it's the new year... it's 4:14 am... i was at the goodyears' and it was amazing! i half invited myself and was half invited...(i was jojo's date :D) and it was just fantastic... i heart the goodyears.. they're fuN! all the people there were fun... i think i should start frequenting the freeway...
i have to be at work today... i have to leave the house at around 7am ish... so yeah.. i'll be up for... over 30 hrs... good times... it's going to be a LONG day tomorrow...
luckily, tuesday i have off... but sadly, i have a ton of running around to do... blah...(sony, movie, sada) i may have to cancel some stuff... i need sleep...
what else can i tell you? i'm TIRED... i can't wait to have a day off.. i can't wait to take a week off... i'm excited about what this year has in store... i feel very hopeful...
more movies, better jobs, connecting w/ friends, and just living life to the fullest... blah blah blah...
k, i'm going to try and get some shut eye...
finally:
relevent quote:
may the best of your past, be the worst of your future!