sometimes it's good to get away...

i haven't been sleeping... it's annoying.. my eyes are burning... and i feel completely depleted of energy...
so today was a welcomed change... i woke up early, got myself all purdy... and headed to the good city to see my counterpart... she came out of the scaffolding, a vision in fucsia! and off we were.. first stop was lunch... at fresh.. this vegan/organic/vegetarian joint, and it was really good! i had rice/veggies/tofu w/ organic corn bread... w/ tahini sauce... really filling... we then made our way to this amazing cd store that she's been telling me about for ages.. .i got 4 cds: 2 b-52's, simply red stars, and frente marvin the album... i've been needing the latter 2 forever! then we went to this book store, and i got 4 books (4 seems to be the magic number for today)...
i got the prince of tides and a the myth of beauty by naomi wolf, and 2 unmentionables...
then we went to see sicko at this tiny theatre where they didn't honour my cast pass... balls! but we snuck booster juice (my new addiction) so HA! to them!
and then i went home... now i'm going to see freedom writers and more x-files...
so all in all.. it was a good day... i fed the brain and the body... it was amazing...
also, my beloved counterpart got my bday present... a nightmare before xmas lunch box!!!!
she's amazing!(you're amazing jugss!) i sometimes forget what i like.. but she's got this freakishly astounding memory....
hopefully she can come visit me in the hammer soon!!!!
the more i hang out w/ her, the more i see how we were meant to.. no, no.. DESTINED to become the fabulous counterparts that we are! we're going to stalk lauren graham next month!
ps.. i need to resume my lost watching...
random quote: ab fab sweety da'haling!

stuff to share w/ you all...

first off.. i LOVE lauren graham... she's so hot!!! (her gig on conan was hysterical! and i love her gams!)
2ndly, i think i'm going to look into some writing classes... i've started writing so many ideas down, but i just can't seem to develop them... or stay motivated to finish them...
sometimes i get these random paragraphs in my head, fictional conversations and by the time i sit down w/ a pen/paper, it's gone.. vanishes into thin air.. argh!
today i bought freedom writers (the movie)
and sex traffik...
and also jugss' present...tomorrow we finally meet! i'm so stoked! so it's a day w/ jugss, and then sunday i believe i'm helping jojo move...
monday/tues working doubles, wed. is my day off.. thank god... i need a break...
and then we do the whole thing all over again...
my new mission is to save for a couple of tats.. i went and checked out this new shop, loved the owner and his work's amazing... so i need to figure out location on body and all the little details.. and hopefully once the money starts flowing again, i'll be able to afford one at least...
speaking of money... more job hunting... so once again.. send vibes, ya'll...
hope things are groovy..
i miss winter... :(
random quote: nobody's really my friend, my friend, no body wants to hold me back as i fall through the holes in life, i stumble blind folded...

i just learned a disturbing truth..

the x-files only had 9 seasons...
i was sure it was 10....
i'm a little embarressed... and now totally excited about seeing the final season...
b/c i missed it when it was on....
hazza!
relevent quote: according to this, i, am emily's mother...

today....

eating poorly is REALLY affecting me now... i can't sleep... and i'm SOOO tired... i can't wait till friday when i get paid... and i'm just going to eat fruits and veggies for the next while... build up my systems... or whatever it is that veggies do...
today my creepy old boyfriend came by the theatre.. looking dashing and handsome as ever... and there was sans creepiness... made me happy... he calls me his little buddy... :D and he seemed so happy to see me :D
also, two ppl thought i was 18 and 16... bless them... haahaa
other than that.. it was ridiculously dead.. and boring... and i wasn't inspired to do anything... but i did spend most of my sunday sleeping and writing... so that was nice...
however i've sadly forsaken my x-files... and am still stuck on season four... but i hope to finish it tonight... and on w/ season 5...(i think it's now a competition w/ smilmine... hahahahaha)
recent movie watchings:
evan almighty... one thing: lauren graham is hot!
1408... meh... was a bit creepy at times.. but meh...
i also saw shrek the 3rd.. had it's moments
and silver surfer... and it's official... i have a cruch on a mercury alien...
so far my sony's working fine (knock on wood)
and today a group of pinguins came into the theatre... and were surprised to see that i speak their language.. they were floored.. i was not impressed...
then i had a nap, and ice cream and now i'm off to get all cozy and snug as a bug in a rug (b/c it's downright cold down here!) (hell has finally frozen over! HAZZA!) and i'm going to watch one of my fave. eps of the x-files... (small potatoes)
and that's a she wrote folks!
xoxo
keep it real
random quote: come over to the dark side, we have cookies!

my life...

i feel this song best describes my paranoia...

Somebody's Watching Me - Rockwell
I'm just an average man with an average life
I work from nive to five, hey hell I pay the price
All I want is to be left alone in my average home
But why do I always feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone

CHORUS:
I always feel that somebody's watchin' me
And I have no privacy
I always feel that somebody's watchin' me
Tell me is it just a dream?

When I come home at night
I bolt the door real tight
People call me on the phone I'm trying to avoid
But can the people on TV see me or am I just paranoid

When I'm in the shower, I'm afraid to wash my hair
Cuz I might open my eyes and find someone standing there
People say I'm crazy, just a little touch
But maybe showers remind me of Psycho too much
That's why...

I always feel like somebody's watching me
Who's playing tricks on me
I always feel like somebody's watching me
Tell me it can't be

I don't know anymore
Are the neighbors watching me
Well is the mailman watching me
And I don't feel safe anymore, oh what a mess
I wonder who's watching me now?
Who?
The IRS?

I always feel like somebody's watching me
Who's playing tricks on me
I always feel like somebody's watching me
Can I have my privacy!?

i've always REALLY connected with this tune...

---

hmmmmmmmmmmm......

sometimes when i talk to my friends, they say things, and my brain goes down this dark hallway..into this psychotic room and these weird thoughts start screaming at me...
other times, these thoughts creep into my head late at night, when i can't sleep, or when i'm watching tv... and some random subject matter comes up in conversation and i think back to my weird thoughts, and i think to myself... wow.. i'm such a freak! and i wonder if anyone else has these thoughts and visions and whatever...
and sometimes i start talking and this tiny voice inside says, shut up! now, before it's too late and you won't be able to take anything back... but my mouth doesn't listen and it keeps doing it's thing... and then i wonder, how do i still have friends left... (well.. the entire idea of friendship is complicated... and... whatever)
and then i wonder how did i come to be this way? why do i have these thoughts and ideas? what is it about me that's so different from everyone else?
but then i come home, to my little cave.. my safe haven and i sit and stew in my own head and i stop caring what they think... or how they'll react... and i just revel in the madness...and a part of me wonders what the diagnosis would be... what course of treatment would i get.. would i be cured? do i want to be cured? and ultimately, i don't... i wouldn't be able to talk about anything.. and i'm ok with that... a large part of me likes it... and doesn't want to let it go... and doesn't want to share it....
hmmmm....
relevent quote: you're mouth has a brain?

uh...little help?

i have this annoying habit of sticking my foot in my mouth... a lot... all the time...
i can be very tactless and crass... if you didn't know me, you might even think i'm rude.
along w/ this, i have the habit of thinking that everyone lives in my head...(maybe that's where all the paranoia comes from... hmmm....)
anyhoo... i had a conversation today and asked a friend a question that came off bad... and these occurences always make me realize how different we are as individuals... and how it's ok... we don't have to be identical drones...we each view things differently and that's a good thing... it helps give me perspective, and just a different view on things, i dig it... totally... it makes me think about how i have no filter... i say what's on my mind... and i say what i think, when i think it... and a lot of times it just comes out wrong...my recent volenteer work has helped put a little tiny filter back into my thought pattern.. but all in all... i'm still pretty free...i'm not too sure how to fully articulate what i mean... maybe if i simplify it...
part of me wants to shut out the voices in my head and cut out my blunt curiousity... but the larger part of me says no, fuck that! freedom of speech! say it loud say it proud.. and all that crap...
i guess ultimately, i feel bad that i offended my friend...
so friend, i'm sorry... i didn't mean it the way it came out... there was nothing in that question other than a need to understand your point of view that's so different than mine...
random quote: unzip my body take my heart out...

insomnia...again...

i can't sleep...again...
all week i've been having problems sleeping... i think it's b/c i'm not eating right...(understatement of the millenium...) but recently i've been eating exceptionally bad..
next week...(when i get paid) i'm going to upload on fruits and veggies... regain some lost energy...and hopefully some sleep... blah... it's 7:24 am... i went to bed just after 2 am... blah!
however.. i'm off to watch my movies... i'm very excited... woot woot!
in other news, i watched the end of lauren graham's appearence on conan... holy hysterics... she's SOOOO funny... and GORGOUS! there are these rumours flying around that one of her next flicks might do what a beautiful mind did to jennifer connelly...(which would make me super uber happy)
hopefully she'll get bigger and better roles soon....
i should send her MY story! tee hee... snicker snicker...
ok.. i'm off to watch some x files... they're calling....
random quote: fatty had a party and no one came... but i have a disco ball!

can i get an old fashioned HAZZA!

so i'm FINALLY done uploading my cds... now all that remains is a few dnlds..(shhh... don't tell anyone that i dnld...)
today, (wed) i went to the dentist... it was excruciating...financially, emotionally, and physically...
i got some pretty bad news... disturbing really... makes me regret all those yrs of diet coke and bad dental hygiene as a child...so 400 dollars and a lot of spit and blood later... i'm in pain... i didn't eat all day... i'm starving.. but it hurts to chew... :S
hopefully tomorrow i'll wake up like new...
in other news.. i've started season 4 of the x-files... am currently watching one of my fave episodes, uhruhe... and i must say.. sc-illian danderson looks better and better as the show progresses... me likey :D
if she can get her ass kicked every week... and get kidnapped at least once a season by some psycho... i can weather through this toothy storm... (i just reread that post... and wow.. holy disconnected and random writing...) (but then again, i'm tired.. i didn't sleep last night... :S)
ok.. i'm off to continue the wonderful world of x watching...
relevent quote: ich habe keine unruhe...

my many adventures...

this past week has been ridiculously busy...
worked A LOT...then thrusday i went to see monica's play... very funny, i enjoyed myself :D
friday worked a double.. hoping to work another double on tues...i work today and then it's movie time :D fantastic four w/ julie... and if there's more time... perhaps hostel 2... or shrek the 3rd...
wed. i have to go to the dentist....i chipped a tooth or smthing... or a filling fell out..and i need it refilled... ugh... i HATE going to the dentist... however, i may get my teeth cleaned in the process... so that's nice...
i'm on season 3 of the x-files.... and i LOVE this show... gillian anderson is super hot!!!
and within the week, i'll be done uploading my music... AHHHHHHH! so exciting....(still need to dnld a couple of things... but no big whoop...)
and that's it... madonna rules.. still...
and ya... i'm off to work...
dreaming of bagels and cream cheese...
keep it real...
relevent quote: lots of files. lots and lots of files!

attention x philes!!!

thanx to my good friend smilmine, i've learned that ALL (but one) seasons of the x-files are on sale for 19.99 at costco...
today, i woke up bright and early and gingerly made my way to ancaster and bought all 9 seasons... (will buy season 10 soon enough)...
the only downside, is the lack of extra features...(though i've just discovered that some of them do have deleted scenes and what not....)
ANYHOO... i'm giving myself a month to watch all 9 seasons... (170 hrs.)
i'm TRE excited...
in other news, i had my first prod. meeting today and it seems to be a very serious production and will demand a lot of me..
so i'm off to watch my show... and continue uploading my music...
THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!

so very ashamed....

i watched pirates earlier this week... blah... so boring... and LONG... 3 hrs and 10 mins.... as much as i love johnny depp... it was too much...
and then... i did the unspeakable... can i bring myself to let it out? to tell you all my dark secret?
i went to see georgia rule... (w/ the notoriously blah lindsay lohan...shudder)
i LOVED felicity huffman in this role... i would like to see an entire movie devoted to her alcoholism... a la when a man loves a woman....
jane fonda looked like a piece of leather... wasn't impressed... and as for the lohan girl... in scenes when she actually acted... she had it... there was smthing... and she was good...
garry marshall shouldn't be allowed to tackle serious issues... he should stick to what he knows...the film was too disjointed... and it didn't know if it was a comedy or a drama.. and at some scenes it got confused and played itself wrong...
the characters were very cliche, and constructed and one dimensional... some of the material was in appropriate, but in retrospect makes sense...(as pointed to me by jojo)...i would watch it again to gain better insight and perspective...
all in all.. thumbs down... but hail the queen felicity! she rocks!
there's a new gillian anderson flick called straightheads that i'm dying to get my hands on... seems like a movie up my alley...the effects of traumatic violence on ordinary ppl...i've seen the trailer.. interesting...
and also.. as long as i'm pouring out my heart about lohan... her new flick: i know who killed me (which, yes, sounds like a mary higgins clark novel) looks REALLLY good... (so good, it warrented an extra L)...
i don't know what's happening to me... and more astonishing is how the hell she's getting work?!
random quote: do you know what they did when they were done w/ me? they laughed...

in the midst of it all...

in the middle of this crazy little thing called love (wink) errr... i mean life..
i've managed to buy 4 new flicks:
the business of strangers
hilary and jackie
muriel's wedding
pleasantville
hopefully next week i can get freedom writers...
and that's my news....

random quote: i'm not useless!

sometimes....

VERY few things get to me... i like to think that i'm a cucumber... cool... nonchalant... a total ice cube...
but sometimes... that ice melts.. and smthing shifts w/in me... and from the deepest darkest part of me something stirs... wakes up and pushes up and through me.. and i can't do anything to stop it...
and i feel so alone and so lost that i can barely breathe...and i can't tell anyone... and no one understands and it's dark and lonely...
and then it's calm again, and i can see clearly, but things are still somewhat amiss... and i'm still not ok...and a small part of me dies again, and takes a century to reanimate itself...

random quote: life's pretty pathetic when your own hallucinations lie to you...
random quote #2: They're all necro-nerds and Sand freaks. They think death is romantic. Death is hard and cold and ugly, not some cute chick.

back to life... back to reality...

the trip from hell has finally ended...
HAZZA! to be safe at home...

this was one of the WORST trips i've EVER taken... preceeded by the worst bday ever...
i have a super busy time this summer..
i need a vacation from my vacation...
so much to do now... AHHHHHHHHHHHH....
also... I NEED A NEW JOB... OR I'LL DIE... (hard to imagine being emptier than i am now...)

anyhoo... it's 2:27 am... i need to unpack... and maybe have a cry...(psha! as if..)
and then i need to rest.... listen to some music... and become infused with my bed...

oh how i've missed you....

the travelling gnome
random quote: how could you?! i'm a woman?!