hmmmmmmmmmmm......

sometimes when i talk to my friends, they say things, and my brain goes down this dark hallway..into this psychotic room and these weird thoughts start screaming at me...
other times, these thoughts creep into my head late at night, when i can't sleep, or when i'm watching tv... and some random subject matter comes up in conversation and i think back to my weird thoughts, and i think to myself... wow.. i'm such a freak! and i wonder if anyone else has these thoughts and visions and whatever...
and sometimes i start talking and this tiny voice inside says, shut up! now, before it's too late and you won't be able to take anything back... but my mouth doesn't listen and it keeps doing it's thing... and then i wonder, how do i still have friends left... (well.. the entire idea of friendship is complicated... and... whatever)
and then i wonder how did i come to be this way? why do i have these thoughts and ideas? what is it about me that's so different from everyone else?
but then i come home, to my little cave.. my safe haven and i sit and stew in my own head and i stop caring what they think... or how they'll react... and i just revel in the madness...and a part of me wonders what the diagnosis would be... what course of treatment would i get.. would i be cured? do i want to be cured? and ultimately, i don't... i wouldn't be able to talk about anything.. and i'm ok with that... a large part of me likes it... and doesn't want to let it go... and doesn't want to share it....
hmmmm....
relevent quote: you're mouth has a brain?