indigo takes on the big city....

being naturally special, i had to choose the HOTTEST day in recorded history to wonder the greatest city in the world...
first, we were a few hrs. off sched. and that kinda ticked me off... THEN, it was hotter than hell's fire place... THEN i carried my weight in gold in my side bag... it wasn't even midday, when my face looked like a red tomato w/ mascara... it was aweful... we didn't stratagize properly and the heat and the lack of sleep.. it was just wasn't the right day for toronto-ing...
we had a VERY disturbing incident on the subway (on bloor going to spadina) i can't really relay it here, but i'll say that it was seriously offensive, scary and just disturbing... i've been thinking about all day...
the day ended w/ a fantastic meeting w/ my beloved counterpart and dinner at fresh...(one of my new faves in the city)
counterpart, i miss you... you're great!!!!
today i worked all day... and then i saw an early screening of rob zombie's halloween... and i was all excited... but w/out getting all film studenty i'll say this: rob zombie, go to film school, and learn how to use a camera! (and other things) or mabye, rob zombie, stick to music... (b/c the sound editing was amazing!)
then we stayed and watched the invasion... which i totally digged... it had some interesting cuts and edits, which i'm still mulling around in my noggin... but all in all i liked it... had a great vibe to it...
now, it's after 1 am... and it's alias time...
tomorrow i work a double and i have a busy weekend coming up...
and that's pretty much it...
random quote: an order? we're going to have a long talk when i get back to LA!

more tales of insomnia...

it's been about a week since i last slept... ugh...
why must there always be so much drama.... things have been weighing on me lately and there's nothing i can do... that's the most frustrating thing.... i keep having these dreams that are full of anger and screams and i wake up at the crack of dawn, tired and angry...being worried and angry and frustrated and whatever else is going on is just plain exhausting...
i'm hoping wednesday brings a welcomed change and i can start my life and become who i'm destined to be...
in other news, season two of alias is also causing some distress... i can't bear to see what happens to will and francie.... it's too much!
today, (sunday) is yet another day of running around and being forced out of my little home... but hopefully it'll will yield good times...(naturally, b/c monica's involved... and hopefully, so it will also include a session of hooka smoking w/ new tobacco!)
random quote: you gotta roll with it, you gotta take your time....

life at a halt...

i got two new movies: soapdish and the good german... needless to say, i'm tre stoked :D
movies are great!
also, i scored a couple of free passes for an early screening of rob zombie's halloween... i'm so excited! it's hosted by a groovy radio station, so good swag, here i come! i'm going with one of the hottest, cutest, nicest smelling boys around :D
i have a huge list of stuff to do today... (mindless chores and cleanings up)
tomorrow is running around day with mon, and on future lists of things to do, i need to get some winter boots...
and that's it for now, i suppose.. i'm back to staring at my phone and watching alias...
random quote: kendall is the devil! <0>

i'm disgruntled....

i hate my job...
i hate where my life is right now...
i need to break out of this box... this prison... this rutt...
next week should bring a change... it needs to change...
I NEED A CHANGE!
before i disappear completely...
relevant quote: you are not your job!

how do we fall into this???

recently i've made some changes in my physical appearance...
the first thing everyone asked me was: are you going on a date? is this for a guy?
two things bother me about this:
1. it's so hetero sexist... what if it was for a gal?
2. why do i have to look different for a guy!? why do we automatically assume that anything positive we do in our lives is for someone else? why can't i do something nice for myself??? just b/c i feel like it?!
it's so frustrating to live in this kind of world... one that i don't understand... i have enough spine and brain not to submit to these social constructs of what women should look like and how they should behave...
i plan on dying alone. i don't need a significant other. nor do i want one. it's hard for those around me to understand that... and they try to convince me that it's a good thing.. but from everything i see, it's a terribly disfiguring disease... romantic love.
maybe i'm jaded b/c i've never been inlove.. but again, from what i've seen.. no thanx. i'd much rather die alone. i'll have my own life, my own course of action, my independence and so much more.
it's hard to articulate exactly what i mean, b/c i sound resentful and full of scorn, which i'm not... but i'm so unclear about this idea of sharing your life w/ one person...
i don't believe in monogamy, or in coupledom... i think it's absurd, i think it's weird, i don't get it...
it drives me nuts that people put a value to my life and accomplishments only by who i've been dating and for how long... can't i stand alone? for myself? why do i need a partner to complete the picture? i'm already full and whole.
i dunno, i'm not sure what i'm trying to say... it's late and i haven't slept today...(did all wknd though :D)
meh... whatever...
i'm going to eat and watch some alias before bedtime...
relevant quote: three cheers for eve!

Over some eclipsed and warped time span, we’d grown disconnected, Wally and I. We ceased to communicate; verbally or otherwise. Scoring by myself proved harder and harder and I was becoming weaker and weaker, barely able to move. On some occasion someone would leave some drugs behind, or die while trying to get off. It was during that time that I started roaming the streets, and ventured into even shadier parts of Hell. The other side was darker, scarier. The streets were littered with broken dreams. People didn’t even look human. Every building had been condemned; broken windows, knocked out doors. The monochromatic landscape was eerie; comforting and frightening. I managed to find some broken furniture, a salvageable lamp, random items that could be fixed and turned into something. I desperately needed more money and was willing to surrender my body again, as disgusted as I was with the idea, I was willing. The only problem was, there was nobody buying. All the whores that had littered my block had long since vanished. They were either dead, kidnapped, or had moved to another corner. Everyone seemed to disappear, and then it was just me and Wally. Alone in a suffocating cocoon of apathy. We'd sit huddled inside ourselves, shuddering from the obscene cold and we’d sneak glances at each other. Steal an emotion and writhe through the pain. I began to lose myself.
On rare occasions the drugs would enhance all the ugliness that spread through me. Like twisted and faithful scanners, they would search my body and mind and pull out all the awfulness to the surface. I hated those days. I hated feeling. No, I hated feeling bad; knowing that my every molecule was composed of evil and slime. On those days, finding my reflection wasn’t enough to find me, it wasn’t enough to save me; the mirror was no longer my ally, my salvation. I wondered if Wally felt that way too. We had become strangers, two foreign bodies trying not to bump into each other in the night. He was just another zombie roaming space, trying to find his soul. Or something. I longed to be redeemed. I so desperately needed a change, a real change that would shift my entire focus. There was one single thought that spun in my head. Like a crystal marble trying to glow in the mist. REHAB. It was a razor that cut through the grey matter and echoed in my head. It terrified me, though. The idea. The simple concept of reaching out, of actual change, of possibility. Extending my vile existence outside Hell’s last acre. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it, but then there would be waves of calm and silence and that word would pop up and fire works would go off behind my eyes.
Two giant pokers ran through my face, through my eyes. My spine was a field of needles ablaze. I felt claustrophobic in my own skin and there was no air. I was sweating; shifting from one foot to the other. And again, I had no recollection of how I’d gotten here, or where I was. There was something in my hand: it was solid, but moved. It was Wally, and we were walking. Fast. In a frenzy. I kept stumbling over myself and Wally kept tugging at me. He was hurting me. I looked around and caught fragmented sights of our surrounding. We hurried down a narrow street, dark; illuminated by random lights from the buildings up above. Every so often I would see bodies. Some in motion, others catatonic. There was no purpose to our madness and I was tired.
“Where are we going?” I asked out of breath. Wally didn’t reply, he just yanked my arm, violently.
“Wally! Where are we going?!” I said again, desperate and on the verge of tears. He didn’t even look at me.
“Stop!” I pulled my arm out of his grasp and stopped like dead weight in my place.
“Where are we?” I pleaded. I looked at him, and he stood still, his back still to me. His head bowed down. His shoulders moved up and down, he was breathing hard.
“Just come on.” He whispered. I refused to move, my eyes burning a hole into his back. His head turned to the side, but he wasn’t looking at me.
“Wally,” my voice full of hesitation and fear. In all our years together, I’ve never been afraid of him. Sometimes, when my head was messed up and I was tweaking, I’d stay away, or when he was in the midst of one of his raging fits I’d think twice about coming near, but I’ve never FEARED him. I never thought of him as someone that would hurt me.
“Fuck! Just come on, already!” he turned and stormed towards me, grabbed my shoulders and squeezed and shook me. He was out of focus; everything was shaking around me.

what's new?

so this week, as always has been mad busy... ugh....
worked every day... bought some movies...(enemy at the gates, quills, sleeping with the enemy, 300)
worked at the dac (downtown art centre) to help with fringe stuff...
and today (sunday) i'm off soon to buy some border shorts for a water adventure on wed., buy a new hooka (soooo totally jazzed), and watch stardust... a full day... bah!
groovily, though, i'm joined by rachel and monica.. so the day should be a good one...
other than that... i'm looking forward to winter to come already.. this heat is killing me! (and i'm DYING to bust out my new winter coat...)
random quote: on my show you'll never find a thrusting hip or bump 'n grind...

what's a day off... really???

i had a call shift today, and luckily, i wasn't called in... hazza!
so i called up julie and off we were to yet another adventure in the hammer....
today, we ventured up the mountain to wal-mart...to get a dvd player...
i found one for a really cheap price... i also bought a movie (single white female, it's my new project: buying my vhs on dvd)...and julie got some stuff... we wondered the mall a bit... and then made our way to my place... we made a healthy dinner (wild rice and veggies) and settled down to test the new dvd player... we chose a will of their own...(a mini series from the late 90's)
it's 210 mins. long...and alas... the dvd prevailed! HAZZA! tonight, i test it more by watching (or attempting to watch) dolores claiborne, donnie darko, point of no return and seven...(and tomorrow i'm adding the matrix, fargo, reservoir dogs and secretary to that list)
after that, i start my two new marathons: jennifer connelly (which incls. a beautiful mind, dark city, house of sand and fog, requiem for a dream and labyrinth) and michelle pfeiffer (which incls. grease 2, dangerous minds, frankie and johnny, batman returns, perhaps the story of us)
so i have a pretty exciting week in terms of movie watching... :D
i can't wait.. to come home.. and chill in front of the screen... back to usual...
random quote: she was a strong woman w/ a will of her own, and so am i!

the adventures of being.. me...

where to begin??
time is no longer part of my world...
my wknd was busy... worked fri/sat. and then sunday, i made the mistake of helping a friend....(i'm still in pain julie!)
julie and sophie were moving out... and man.. girls have a lot of stuff... so we hauled ass and carried all their shite to their new place... and that took a good chunk of the day... AND THEN! we had to move a truck load of wood (summer drama related wood) so there it is, 11:30pm.. and were loading and unloading and arranging wood...but at the end of the day (around 1am) julie bought me a pita :D
monday i worked and bought 2 items that i desperately needed... a vacuum and a multi zone dvd player...
ok, so 2 stories:
1. i was SOOO excited about my new vac. it's TINY! it's called a scorpion and it's a dirt devil.. and it's black! so i'm multi tasking (emptying my room, hooking up the dvd player and cooking)
so i'm taking stuff out and throwing things away.. when this GIANT black spot moves... and yes, you guessed it, it was a GIGANTIC weight lifting spider! so i couldn't suck it into my new vacuum.. and it was too big to crush w/ my shoe...(plus i was scared it would beat me up if i didn't actually kill him) so naturally, i got my fabreeze and decided to spray it to death... and that sorta worked.. it started crumpling and then... moment of truth.. .i vacuumed it up... and i swear! i could hear it try to claw it's way back up... ewwwww....
2. so i hooked up my dvd player... and it's GORGOUS! where the dvd goes, it was like all neon blue... and purty! and it plays zone 2 dvds! oh boy, was i a happy bunny running through the woods! but then.. half way through american history x it froze... no matter what i tried, it would just freeze.. then i put in 2/3 other dvds... same schtick... so sadly, i had to return it... but i found another one for less... and i'm off soon to pick it up... and we'll see...
yesterday i also got the sp. ed. of the new garbage best of... i love it! AND...
I SAW BEANNIE!!! one of my bestest friends in the world! she lives in the gambia, so i hung out w/ her and dora (who i need to hang out w/ more) and we caught the late show for harry potter... and then today, is a brand new day... and i have a ton of stuff to do... and this post is too long anyways...
peace out
random quote: anyway you do it wrong!