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I hate. I hate you. I hate myself. I hate what you’ve done to me. I hate that you got away, that I didn’t fight back. That I couldn’t fight back. I can’t sleep anymore. I’ve stopped running. Finally. After so many people have told me how dangerous it was. I guess I deserve it, right? That’s the worst part, I blame myself. How many times have they said, ‘don’t run so late…’ blah blah blah… but I never listened. So this guilt, this self blame, it’s eating me up. I can’t breathe sometimes. And I lie awake thinking of nothing else. Will you come back? Seek me out? Will you do this again? Was I your first? You’ve tainted everything. I can’t have Bailey touch me without feeling you. And when he does finally get close, and lays his lips against my skin, it makes me want to die. It feels dangerous and ugly. Sometimes I think what if we met. Would you recognize me? Would you see the damage you’ve done? Would you even care? I want to rip you apart. Burn your skin. Brand you like you’ve branded me. Is it up to me to make it stop? Why? Why the fuck is it up to me? I don’t even know you are. I didn’t see your faces, barely got a glimpse of your eyes. But you haunt me every day. You come to me in the night, when I’m alone and scared. When fear grips me so tightly that my head spins and my body aches and there’s nothing left to hold onto, I just sit through it, let it run me over and pray that next time it’ll get easier. But it never is. It seems to get harder, more intense, and more hurtful. I hate that you’ve won, I hate losing. I hate losing control. I hate that you own a part of me that I never knew existed. Like a small gem you keep it hidden within you. And I want it back! I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m tired. I’m defeated and I’m drained. God, when will this end? When will this go away? How can I make it stop?

AN AMERICAN CRIME

so for a while now, i've been literally obsessed w/ this flick... (not to be confused w/ a horror movie of the same name from 2005)
AAC tells the true story of sylvia likens, a 16 year old girl who was tortured to death by gertrude, her children and the neighborhood kids...
the film was directed by elle enchanted's tommy o'haver and i have to say, he did an almost perfect job...
the film progresses beautifully, it's paced, it takes its time, builds to the horror that was sylvia's last few weeks...
the main focus, though, is on gertrude, the dichotomy b/w sadistic anger and a feral, lioness like devotion and protectiveness of her children.

most of the violence is left off screen, and to the audiences imaginations, but for those of us who've read the case files and searched the net for information, we know the unspeakable acts all too well...
catherine keener delivers one of her best, if not her best performance as gertrude, adding a level of complexity rarely seen in films these days...
ellen page as sylvia is heartbreaking...page actually starved herself for the role (sylvia was actually starved, among other things) and her pain runs deep... there's so much emotion in her voice, her face, her eyes... she's so remorseful, without knowing why.... she constantly apologizes to avoid punishment.
playing her sister, jenny, Hayley McFarland gives a great performance of a scared little girl who just wanted her sister to be ok. (in reality, jenny was threatened w/ a beating if she didn't partake in the torture of her sister). other cast includes ari graynor as paula the eldest of the Baniszewski kids, who, like her mother, sways between anger and violence and compassion and remorse.
the ending was a bit disappointing, o'haver seemed to gloss over the horrible truth that was the wasteful death of a teenager. but over all, this is one of the best films i've seen in a while... and though disturbing and hard to watch at some parts, it's well worth it... b/c at the heart of it, the film delivers truth and honesty about one of the most horrible crimes ever committed against a single victim....

relevat quote: I've been scared about a lot of things for a long time.

the weekend + monday...

i worked all day friday, and just the morning on sat. then i came home, wanted a nap, but couldn't sleep and was freezing... so i went grocery shopping w/ my landlady, got some food, ate, and CRASHED.... it was great! then i spent the rest of the night in front of the idiot box... sunday had a shift w/ the centre, and then jason came over and we watched the ruins... which was surprisingly good... i thought it would be total ass, but it had moments... this one scene TOTALLY freaked me out and i can't stop thinking about it...
today, i couldn't sleep again, and woke up super early after going to bed late... and i'm working all day...
i've already sent out like.... 7 resumes today... and it's only 10 am.. i feel rather productive..
started watching swept away on sat. night, figuring this'll add fuel to my madonna love... and it.. didn't... at all... that's some kind of bad movie... but i have to say... she's still hot and amazing!

so, final note: EVERYONE SEND GOOD VIBES THAT I GET A CALL BACK/JOB... i NEED to get the fuck out of my current place... seriously... blah..

going to hand out resumes for other shitty jobs once i'm done at mac and have a bit more time...
hope everyone's doing good...
peace out
the frustrated and a bit hopeful jew...
random quote: if it's bitter at the start, then it's sweeter in the end...

FRIG!

this is me...(except for the fact that i'm a girl...)


so i totally thought i'd get to sleep in friday.... but no... i had to get up at 7....and work till 5....blah... i'm SOOOOOOOO tired...(i just reread that... just a note that it's a pain b/c i haven't been sleeping all week... working 7-5 is not REALLY a big deal... but when you're working on no sleep... ya...)

random quote: gonna dress you up in my love... all over all over...

BLAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAH....

so, it's been about a week since i last got some decent sleep... i hate not sleeping... blah...
i think that come sat. i'm taking drugs... and knock myself out till sunday, when i have to volunteer...
i need to find another job.. in the worst way... they're going to cut my hrs. come like.. sept. and ya... i need to get the fuck out of dodge... blah... (that might be part of why i'm not sleeping... hmmmm)
anyhoo... busy day today.. work then volunteer, tomorrow... work ALL day... and i think i get to sleep in friday...
other than that... this mouse pad is driving me nuts, b/c it's soo sensitive... argh...
ok.. i'm off to get ready and try to face the real world...
peace out ya'll...

random quote: I keep on waiting, anticipating But I can't wait forever

welcome to the junoverse...

JUNO COMES OUT TOMORROW!!!!
wooohhooo!!!
i just found out that futureshop has an exclusive offer where they're selling the 2 disc ed. w/ a copy of the script! man, i'm sooooooooooooo super jazzed!
first thing tomorrow morning, i'm there.. in line w/ my precious dvd :D
i also found out that i'm allowed to bring a laptop to my other job... so i might do that, and work on my writing and stuff...
oh AND, i managed to hook up my printer... ALL BY MYSELF! i'm so proud... so far it's working beautifully...
and that's pretty much all i have to say... i'm done uploading all my music...(well, not ALL, but most, i might upload the rest later...) and it wouldn't play w/ wmp OR bsplayer, so i dnlded itunes again and all's good w/ the world....
take care friends!
random quote: get up stand tall, put your back against the wall, cuz my love is dangerous, this is a bust!

my first anti semitic comment...

so, for those of you who know me... or have met me once... you know that i'm a jew... not only that, but i'm pretty vocal about it...
not only am i jewish... but i come from the original land of the jews... luckily for me (b/c i'm such an anti semite semite), i don't look jewish... i'm VERY fair skinned, i lack the notorious jew-fro, and i don't have the jewish twang when i talk....
the other day, i was at work, talking to two older women, and the topic of me being jewish came up and here's how the conversation went:

me: yeah, well, i'm jewish... blah blah blah
woman: you're jewish?
me: yup.
woman: huh, you don't looks jewish...
me: thank y-
woman: you don't have the nose...

now, if i didn't care about ethnic stereotyping (when it comes to jews) and i wasn't so shocked, i'd be pretty damn offended... i almost wanted to say, yeah, i also don't have horns and a pointy tail.. welcome to post nazi land... sheesh...
strange to see the older generations responses... i'd like to believe that she didn't mean it THAT way... but you never know...
and to end on a positive note:
my new favorite song is till death do us part by madonna
and i think that 3 of the best songs EVER written and performed are: (in no particular order)
like a prayer
papa don't preach
live to tell...

and that's pretty much it friends...
have a good one!

random quote: i don't wanna miss baywatch~

till death do us part...(madonna)

Our luck is running out of time
You're not in love with me anymore
I wish that it would change, but it won't
Cause you don't love me no more

You need so much but not from me
Turn your back in my hour of need
Well something's wrong but you pretend you don't see
I think I interrupt your life
When you laugh it cuts me just like a knife
I'm not your friend, I'm just your little wife

Our luck is running out of time
You're not in love with me anymore
I wish that it would change, but it won't if you don't
Our luck is running out of time
You're not in love with me anymore
I wish that it would change, but it won't
Cause you don't love me no more

They never laugh not like before
She takes the keys, he breaks the door
She cannot stay here anymore
He's not in love with her anymore

The bruises, they will fade away
You hit so hard with the things you say
I will not stay to watch your hate as it grows
You're not in love with someone else
You don't even love yourself
Still I wish you'd ask me not to go

Our luck is running out of time
You're not in love with me anymore
I wish that it would change, but it won't if you don't
Our luck is running out of time
You're not in love with me anymore
I wish that it would change, but it won't
Cause you don't love me no more

He takes a drink, she goes inside
He starts to scream, the vases fly
He wishes that she wouldn't cry
He's not in love with her anymore

He makes demands, she draws the line
He starts the fight, she starts the lie
But what is truth when something dies
He's not in love with her anymore

random quote: It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great.

windows vista...

so i'm still getting used to vista.. i like windows xp WAY more... but i'm sure i just need some time to adjust...
my next big mission is to upload my music...
recent purchases:
legally blonde (1/2)
madonna: like a virgin/like a prayer

and finally, i'm totally in love and obsessed w/ madonna.... she RULES!

rents: this is him... his name is Mr. Juno Rambaldi, M.D. (lol)
random quote: It's go go, not cry cry.

new toy...

so here i am, typing on my BRAND SPANKING NEW LAPTOP!
it's a bit different from my old one... and i'm still trying to figure out how certain things work....
but so far... so good...
k, stuff's happening... so i'm out... will write more later..
peace out ya'll
the exciter jew...
random quote: It gets really good after that. Look. The delivery boy walks in...

WHOOHOO!!!

I'M GOING TO BUY MY LAPTOP TODAY!!!!!
WHOOHOOO!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!

also, one more week till juno comes out AND 2 more weeks till the new madonna album drops!!! (along w/ the tracey fragments soundtrack...)
april is one hell of an exciting month!

what else? i'll likely be busy the next while w/ my new toy...
the only downfall, is that i hate getting used to new things... and change is evil... but i'm sure i'll figure smthing out...
i'm still keeping dr. lecter around.... so all's right w/ the world...

ok, i gotta run, i need to be there first thing!!!!
peace out!
random quote: nothing takes the past away, like the future... nothing makes the darkness go like the light...

on the horizon....

so it's been decided that i'm going to hell...(or jewland...)
sometime in either august or for rosh hashana (in sept.) i had a conversation w/ my mother today and she asked about passover, to which i replied, i'm going to be working... and she got mad and said i should partake in such events and remember that i'm jewish....hahahahahaha, if she only knew...

tomorrow i'm going to inquire about my laptop... i'm likely going to buy him this week!!! i'm beyond stoked!
i'm torn b/w 2 names: juno (though he's a boy) and rambaldi...
i think i'll know more when i actually hold him... get a vibe... see what he's about...(my current laptop's name is dr. lecter, and for a while i had named all my electronics after film villains...my dvd player's name is cpt. howdy...)

i'm on yet another major madonna kick... i'm definitely going to see her in the fall... i'm totally willing to shell out the big bucks to see the queen of pop... (hanky panky is such a good tune! is it weird that i relate the fetish aspect of it?!)

i'm hoping to get some pics to accompany my next post (hint hint, julie ella!)

and that's pretty much it.. it's been a nice quiet day, i had a shift w/ the sexual assault centre, but there were no calls... and other than that, i did the laundry, took a nice hot shower and ate some good food...the only thing, is that my back's killing me! hopefully that'll pass soon...the only pain i enjoy is from ink... (speaking of which, i might finally have pics of the latest one on my leg!)

peace out ya'll!!!
random quote: Look, the other day, something happened. I came to certain realizations. I can't tell you what or you'll end up like me, on this bus, looking for someone.
and for shits and giggles, here's another random quote: A man dumps the body of a girl in a ditch. The body rotts; Melts into slime. Flowers pop up where the body lies, seeds fly out of the flowers, and a bee sucks the flowers and makes honey. And then the family of the girl buys the honey from the store. And the family eats the girl.

dare i...?

i've recently started reading all kinds of great and wonderful blogs...and the authors of these blogs lay their souls out in the public forum for all to see... read, comment on...
i feel like i'm a pretty outspoken person.. i say what's on my mind... there's a constant foot in my mouth, yet, w/ this blog... i feel like i'm hiding... i never talk about what's really on my mind...what i'm really about... hmmmm maybe i'll start...
so here's my first topic that i've never talked about here... but it's something that i'm really passionate about and really proud of...
i volunteer w/ the local sexual assault centre, and i also help train new women who want to work the line.
that's one thing that i always try to sneak into a conversation... it's great... and i work in a place that's full on young naive ppl and i get to educate them on a daily basis... i've had some women at work talk to me, some guys came to get help for their girlfriends... it's pretty amazing...

cool... maybe from now on i'll get into the nitty gritty that is my brain....
peace out!
relevant quote: You don't understand how I feel! I'm standing there with my pants down and my crotch hung out for the world to see and three guys are sticking it to me, a bunch of other guys are yelling and clapping and you're standing there telling me that that's the best you can do. Well, if that's the best you could do, then your best sucks! Now, I don't know what you got for selling me out, but I sure as shit hope it was worth it!