untitled

I hate. I hate you. I hate myself. I hate what you’ve done to me. I hate that you got away, that I didn’t fight back. That I couldn’t fight back. I can’t sleep anymore. I’ve stopped running. Finally. After so many people have told me how dangerous it was. I guess I deserve it, right? That’s the worst part, I blame myself. How many times have they said, ‘don’t run so late…’ blah blah blah… but I never listened. So this guilt, this self blame, it’s eating me up. I can’t breathe sometimes. And I lie awake thinking of nothing else. Will you come back? Seek me out? Will you do this again? Was I your first? You’ve tainted everything. I can’t have Bailey touch me without feeling you. And when he does finally get close, and lays his lips against my skin, it makes me want to die. It feels dangerous and ugly. Sometimes I think what if we met. Would you recognize me? Would you see the damage you’ve done? Would you even care? I want to rip you apart. Burn your skin. Brand you like you’ve branded me. Is it up to me to make it stop? Why? Why the fuck is it up to me? I don’t even know you are. I didn’t see your faces, barely got a glimpse of your eyes. But you haunt me every day. You come to me in the night, when I’m alone and scared. When fear grips me so tightly that my head spins and my body aches and there’s nothing left to hold onto, I just sit through it, let it run me over and pray that next time it’ll get easier. But it never is. It seems to get harder, more intense, and more hurtful. I hate that you’ve won, I hate losing. I hate losing control. I hate that you own a part of me that I never knew existed. Like a small gem you keep it hidden within you. And I want it back! I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m tired. I’m defeated and I’m drained. God, when will this end? When will this go away? How can I make it stop?