recuperation

so after that disaster that was my thursday night, i worked out extra on friday, and felt GREAT!
then on my way home, i decided to go to blockbuster and see what's up b/c it's been a while since i got any new dvds...(entire tv shows don't count...)
so i got the following:
closure
fay grim
into the wild
paris, je t'aime
resident evil: extinction
stardust
so needless to say, i'm in a better mood...
the wknd was super busy... but i survived...
today (monday) i worked out for 1.5 hrs. at the gym and then went home, and treated myself to carrots and dip and sat down to watch i could never be your woman; jury's still out...
tomorrow i'm working night, which is good, b/c i thought i was working day and would have to miss out on gym, but alas, i get to work out! woot woot!
wed. is busy, i have a ton of running around... i need to get my friggin' bag fixed, i can't live like this much longer...
and now it's tv time and then off to dreamville....
peace out
random quote: Why is she suddenly so happy? she's manic depressive...

just a couple of things...

i liked it better when i didn't feel...

i hate people....
someone who supposed to be my friend called me fat yesterday...
i didn't eat...

i hate my life....

is that all there is...?

i'm too neurotic and too emotional....i never thought i'd say that about myself...

i need sleep...

i hate my life...

things that make me angry!!!!

but first, a shoutout to taylor who was a fabulous friend and prevented me from stuffing my face w/ pizza.. i had a salad instead.... and today i go to the gym... again.... i'm excited!

ok, so my life's been kinda sex and the city-centric lately b/c i've been watching the show...(finished it yesterday)...
so there's this episode where carrrie goes to her friend's baby shower or kid's bday or whatever, and she's asked to leave her shoes at the door (her famous manolo blahnik's) at the end of the party, her shoes go missing...the hostess doesn't seem too concerned and later offers to pay carrie back... as she pulls out her cheque book, she asks, how much? carrie replies: $485. the hostess is shocked and goes into this monologue about why should she have to pay for carrie's extravagant lifestyle and how when you have kids you grow up blah blah blah....carrie later talks to miranda and says how when you're single there's not a single event that warrents celebration and gifts... (ie. marrieds have an engagement party, the wedding, kids, baby showers, etc.)
this got me thinking, why is it ok to spend $485 on someone else (child, significant other) but not on yourself? i mean, who's more important than you?!
carrie later threw herself an engagement party for marrying herself... she registered at manolo and got her shoes back...
there are certain parts of that show that are sooo true and really reflect a lot of things i feel... (but then again, a lot of it is pure self indulgent bullshit and desperate neediness...)
anyways, that's my rant for today...
also, for the record, i hate raspberries... i have to eat them in my oatmeal... blah..
peace out for now...
random quote: I am sleeping and walking! Sleeping and walking! How am I doing that?

untitled... again...(i'm a writer for fuck's sakes, why can i find a title??)

People think I’m different. They think I’m weird. They think they can help me, save me, enlighten me. Some people want to prove me wrong, they’re determined to show me that my views, ideas, truths are askew. I always stick my foot in my mouth, and over the years I’ve gotten used to it. I’m out-spoken and opinionated. I worship myself and I love material goods. I think I’m the shit. Correction: I KNOW I’m the shit. I just don’t know why the rest of the world can’t see it yet… only those around me. I don’t think they lie. I used to have so many friends and acquaintances. One day I woke up and I was alone. Not lonely, just alone. Stranded on a free Saturday night. I adore the unlikeliest of role models: Samantha Jones, Scarlett O’Hara. What I like about them is that they’re selfish. All they care about is making themselves happy. I don’t see anything wrong with that. “I love you, but I love me more.” That’s got to be my favourite line of all times. I always say that my happiness takes the front seat to anyone else’s. I love money. I love having things. I want to have an office full of expensive laptops. I like wearing designer sun glasses. The ones I currently own were $250. My last pair was $300 Ray Bans. I miss them, they were killer shades. I wish I could be Carrie Bradshaw: live a fabulous life, and write about it. I have no more experiences worth writing about. There’s nothing left in me. I work 2 jobs, work out and volunteer. I meet all kinds of people and I have all kinds of stories that for some reason or other, don’t translate well onto paper. And besides, who would read them?

I lie awake forever wondering where this road leads. Am I on the right path? What is my destiny? I have no time left. I’ve started lying about my age. This isn’t where I was supposed to end up… where did it go wrong? Some days it’s not so bad. But others, it cuts me like air. Pokes holes that get bigger and bigger with every breath I take. “I am empty, full of holes getting bigger and bigger…I lie there full of holes wanting to disappear…”

a few years ago a friend asked me to write something for a feminist zine. i didn't really know what to write, i was young, not sure who i was, what i was about, (well, i probably did, but was too... i dunno, naive? to bring it to the surface and name it, own it). when i read it now, it almost sums it up.

"they say that i cannot exist without a man...that i am wrong... but i say, fuck them..i can exist on my own merits... i can exist alone, with myself, my values, my ideas. i sit awake at three am relishing my thoughts. i dream of a bohemian existence rather than a man. a relationship, sex, love... i will not be boxed in, stereotyped..i will do as i please, and do it my way.. i will not submit to societal pressures.. do the demand of family... i read somewhere that someone said, "three cheers for eve" well, i say four cheers! because i carry with me the sins of humankind, and my back is breaking, and my mind is weary, i don't know how long i can do this.. but i do know that i am able to do it on my own, without anyone's assistance.. i don't need anyone's encouragement...anyone's approval... i stare with disgust at the women and girls who pine, and brood over their men, and their boys, fulfilling their every wish, existing at their beck and call... sentimental is stupid, better to make money, make music, art, fuck...love maintenance could kill you, while you bathe in beauty you die from within.. as you stare at the stars the ground falls from beneath you.. your screams fall on empty men, and no one does a thing."

i have so much more to say about this, but this post is too long... and i can't hold anyone's attention any longer...

BLACKOUT

on fridays, i usually work doubles.. i'm known for it.... i LOVE working friday nights... it gets so busy, and there's so many ppl... and shows sell out... it's great!
the last week or so, we've been raising $$ for the heart and stroke foundation....yesterday the challenge was to raise $100 (each) i met that quota w/in the first couple of hrs... go me!
so i was going for $200 for the night, when half way through my break... BAM! lights out!
there was a torrential downpour and the lights went out in the theatre... all the night shows were sold out, so we had literally thousands of ppl trying to figure out what's up... it was insane! it was a bit disorganized but we all went into emergency mode and tried to get everyone calm and orderly...
i hopped the counter and tried to get everyone's attention to let them know what's what.. but it was too loud...but soon the rain calmed down and we needed to evacuate the building b/c our generators were going to die... i was running around trying to get everyone out, and make sure the theatres were empty, and no one was at risk... there were a bunch of us that really stepped up and did a great job.. and it was SOOO much fun!
today i'm going shopping w/ julie to buy some dvds... if it's in the stars, i'm going to buy sex and the city... they're on sale at wal-mart and i have $25 in gift certificates! whoohoo!
today i'm also starting my work out thing... later this evening i'm going to go swimming for an hour... and i hope i can do it... it's been a while since i've gone swimming...
peace out for now~

finally a story worth mentioning... sorta....

so this past week i haven't really been sleeping... surprise surprise... i've been busy rockin' the 2 jobs, and trying to fit in movie watching...(indiana jones, the chronicles of narnia, sex and the city [4 times], the strangers)....
so this morning, i had to get up at 8:30ish in the am... i wake up at 5:47 to this high pitched... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... kinda sound... so i get out of my super comfy bed and survey the tiny basement i call home... and as i get to the storage room off the kitchen, it gets LOUDER and more annoying... though at this point my sleep deprived and slowly panicking brain is still thinking it's just in my head... i decided to get back to bed after a fruitless investigation... the noise does not subside... but rather intensifies... i venture out for further inquiry... but again, to no avail... only to realize that it's in fact NOT in my head... i leave a msg w/ the landlady, and hope for the best... but alas, as i get back into bed, i can't seem to get that sound out of my head... i turn up the music (the rose soundtrack, followed by scissor sisters' ta dah!) and nothing... then...
a rapid and hurried knock at my door... i stumbled still shrouded in sleep (though i've been awake for almost 1/2 hr.) and it's LANDlady telling me we have to evacuate the house...
i try to think.. what do i save? i think firstly of Mistress Dita, she needs to be w/ me... but i manage to grab my wallet, put on flip flops and go outside, where it's cold and windy...
turns out that the alarm was for carbon monoxide...we called the fire dept. and they came rushing in... inspecting the house and informing us that it was a false alarm... we can go back in...
by now it's just after 7 am and i have just under 1.5 hrs. to sleep... but again... no such luck... i just lie in bed listening to lenny kravitz, and artificial joy club...
then it was a LOOOOOONG day.... i had a meeting w/ a personal trainer, then worked 8 hrs, and now i'm home... wishing i had energy to go swimming for an hour...
tomorrow is another one of those lovely 12 hr days... but saturday i'm off to HMV, they're having a sale for their 30th... i'm hoping for killer deals... b/c i'm looking to get sex and the city (all 6 seasons)... and then i'm going to swim and then i'm going to relax...
sunday i have a shift w/ the sexual assault centre and then it's madonna night w/ my friends!
we're screening i'm going to tell you a secret and the confessions tours... i'm excited! i love madonna!
128 more days till the show!!!!!!
and now this post is way too long..
random quote: i wonder if i'll measure up to zero.. but either way i'm really 10 ft. tall w/ no shame at all....

the world of an overworked former hermit...

so this past week was kinda shit, b/c i was super sick... and by the weekend i'd lost my voice...which is always a major bummer...(b/c i LOVE to hear myself talk..)
this post is just full of randomness...
one of my new favorite people is taylor evans... check him out on totalpopstar.com, he's amazing! he was featured in episode 21, where the one and only mall queen deborah gibson (formerly, debbie) raved about him... he's amazing, and i really hope he makes it to LA.

i'm excited about my new job... i went in for a quick orientation and it was super fun! lots to learn, but it seems like a good fit for me... hopefully by the end of the summer i can work full time...

i saw a HUGE spider... it was one of those wrestler spiders, the ones w/ a six pack and travel bar bells... eep... he was lodged in the corner as i was walking into the washroom.... and he wouldn't budge... so i sprayed him.. and then fabreezed him, and he finally scooched away and i trapped him under Tupperware...where i will sadistically keep him until he dies... it's cruel, i know.. but i can't even convey into words the intense hatred and loathing that i have for spiders... it goes so far beyond contempt... shudder... i hate those fuckers!
of course, every time i kill or partake in the killing of spiders, i have this fear that their ghosts will come back to haunt me... that they send messages to their friends, and that they'll all come and attack me in the middle of the night... i'll wake up and be covered in them.... ugh... i can almost feel them crawling all over me... in my hair... on my back... in my clothes... DAMN YOU SPIDERS!!!!

i started watching rescue me, and so far, i'm on episode 4 and i totally dig it... some parts are a bit cheesy and kinda lame... but on the whole.. it's one of those shows that swings things that have been in my consciousness forever in a new direction... every so often i'll see something, a movie, song, whatever,r that deals w/ a topic that's been beaten like a dead horse and somehow it seems new and different... does that make sense? ugh... why can't you live in my head? oh yeah, it's too crowded...

i'm currently rediscovering annie lennox...

i'm sorta banking on this new job... and starting to seriously think about moving out.... first items to buy before moving: SHELVES AND DRAWERS... and then the rest of it... frames, mattress, etc...

and it's now midnight... tv time... tomorrow is a long day...

tuesday i'm hoping to do a double feature of sex and the city and the strangers... hopefully it'll go well... i miss going to the movies... this whole being busy is shit...

M: are we meeting this month!?