glimpse into the eye of madness

i spent my entire life thinking, no, KNOWING that everybody hates me.
99% of the time, i don't care.
every now and then it hits, digs itself into my brain and nags.
when i was a kid, i went around telling people that my sister hated me and wanted me dead. i don't think she wants me dead...

it's after 4 am, and i'm alone in a strange town... i have to be up in 2 hrs to go to work w/ assholes.

i know why they hate me... but i can't control it... i can't help who i am... i've tried.. for the bulk of my teenage years i've tried... i can only be so fake for so long...

my face exploded and my life's shit...

what happened?? where did it all go wrong?

can i repair the damage? is there hope? can anything be salvaged from the wreckage?

i'm not giving up.. not yet...i don't think...

i miss my life... being OCD is hard when people aren't accommodating...

i'm starting to get disenchanted with Crush... she's such a goddess...
events beyond my control may affect the class i take... certain unwanted assholes are looking to join.. i may have to give up the class... she'll probably be relieved...

tomorrow is a long day covered in sweat and hidden tears...

M, can you live in my head?

quote: don't explain yourself 'cause talk is cheap. there's more important things than hearing you speak...

the ramblings of a woman on the edge..

is it time to come home??
it's so hot...
also, the people here are weird and intimidating...
i don't like talking to them... they're apathetic and they judge me...
they look at me funny...
i wanna stay locked here until it's time to go...

i went to the mall today, and i made it back alive! whohoo!
hermit 1, terrorists 0 ! ha!

i got 2 cds and ordered 2 more... they should arrive in a few days! woot woot!
2 cds that i've wanted forever...good stuff...

i think crush is partially blocking me on facebook... this makes me sad...
(even if you tell me it's impossible to partially block someone, i don't believe it... she's doing it..)

i can't sleep...

my parents hate each other... they fight all the time...

i can't wait to come home!!!

random quote:
Lazarus: So what you know how to make?
Rae: I don't fuckin' cook.
Lazarus: You know Rae, I've met a lot of hard mouthed people in my day...
Rae: Alright, alright. Look, I put the God damn dress on alright? I think I'm handlin' myself with a little bit of fuckin' restraint. I mean you got me chained up here like I'm some kind of dog!

update from HELL!

so it's been almost a week since i landed in this godforsaken country...
it's like it gets hotter and hotter every second... i can't sleep it's so hot and blah..
yesterday i went to bed at 1:30 am and woke up at 4:40am...
last night i went to bed sometime after midnight and woke up soaked... gross...

i'm also VERY disillusioned by the gym... it's TINY and has like.. no machines.. i'll have to make due, but i'll also have a lot of work to do when i get back home..
very happy crush will train...i'll need all the help...

on the plus side, i've connected with some old friends...yesterday i met a friend and then went out w/ another, and maybe today i'm seeing another friend and next week i have a list of ppl to call and see..

i'm also starting my job next week, which is good...

in other exciting news, i added crush on facebook and she accepted!! whoohoo!
made my life...
28 more days till MADONNA!
and ya... good stuff!
tomorrow i'm going to do more shopping and today i'm going to try and reconnect w/ someone i've been trying to find for like... over a decade!~
wish me luck!

random quote: am i out of my mind? mulder YOU are out of YOUR mind!

at the airport...a semi fictional accout of some of the events that transpired...

It was almost 2 am. The gate was deserted. It was so quiet, I could barely stand it. The flight was yet again delayed...I sat in my seat, knee shaking violently, eyes burning, body aching for rest and sleep. There was a small group of us, eagerly and angrily waiting to board the plane, wanting and needing to get where we were going. All I wanted was a fucking internet connection. I needed to check my email, facebook account. I hated being alone in a strange town. When I fumbled for money, while buying a muffin, I felt like an asshole; not knowing what the currency was called, what coin they had. The lady was mean when I bought my watch. It was identical to the one that broke earlier that day. I was elated to have found the exact same one. My OCD world was a little more complete. My anxiety shot through the roof when I thought about the damn wind chimes. A baby was yelling in the background, or two tables away. The movie I was watching wasn’t loud enough. I was restless and tired. I wanted to go home, but I was 5000 miles away... waiting to travel another chunk of distance. I kept thinking about my new digital camera. I was hoping that now that I had it, it meant that I’d have something worthwhile to take pictures of. I took pictures of my room, my music, my movies, my Moulin Rouge. I already missed home. The thought of my routine being disrupted nagged at me. What would I do for an entire month? Away from my life? I’d have to speak in tongues, adapt, pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I’d have to defend the bits that made it through the facade. I hated that bullshit. I couldn’t be honest. Who would I confide in? My friends knew me, they were used to my neurotic behaviour, the paranoia in my voice, the bizarre thought pattern. Who would I turn to now? How could I explain that I was on a path that could seem destructive and disruptive? But I was happy with it. How do you treat someone who doesn’t want to be cured? i missed the internet. I couldn’t figure out how to work that damn wireless mode. Fucking technology... why couldn’t it just be a button that said, connect and that’s it?

Strangers kept passing by me, and I thought I recognized their faces. But again, I was alone in a strange land. I sat solitary in a midst of groups, annoying kids that couldn’t shut the fuck up, and making shrill noises and sounds that made me almost homicidal.

more to come...

a post that M will appreciate...

so this facebook deal is bizarre... in less than 48 hrs. i've collected 109 friends... some of whom i haven't spoken to in over 10 years...
they all delight in "finally" seeing me on facebook, but i wonder, is it just that fake novelty of seeing a blast from the past? or are they genuine???
for now, i'll bask in the glory of adoration... but later... i'll find out the truth...

also, the crushing truth:
my crush hates me...
i still want to add her on facebook...

oh, what to do...

sigh...

ps. my flight was delayed... argh!
BUT, i got a digital camera!
whoohoo!

2 random things...(and then some...)

so i finally caved and got the infamous facebook...i'm still conflicted... but i like getting friends added... i feel loved...

the most exciting news of the day/week/life...(well, it's not about madonna, but it's still pretty damn exciting)
CRUSH IS GOING TO TRAIN ME!!!!! whoohoo!!!! i can't wait! we start when i get back!

and finally, i'm going to start having a life...
seeing as the tap house is my new favorite place, and i can now handle booze... i foresee myself being there a lot more... i finally found some groovy ppl my age... (it's about friggin' time) so i can't wait... well, there's that and there's also the issue of me getting more and more in shape and looking super cute in cute outfits...

bought some make up today... i can't wait to get to my intended weight...

peace out for now...
the facebook nonvirgin...

who are you and what have you done w/ the hermit?!

as i mentioned before, this past while has been insane... working a lot, not really sleeping, working out... no time for a social life...
but the nice thing about working w/ people is that you get to develop relationships and then said ppl hook you up!
my new favorite place is the london tap house, downtown.... one of the guys that works there is married to one of the chicks i work w/... so he gave me some passes for said house: free cover and cheap drinks!
after saturday, when i learned i could actually handle some booze, i gathered some girls and we decided to go for drinks and some din din...
thursday i was up at 5 am, worked out w/ crush...sigh... then worked all day, ran some errands on the way home and decided that i needed an extra treat... so i got myself a nice expensive bottle of perfume (givanchy) and off i was to make myself all pretty... (ps. also, that day, a sweet boy told me he could see that i lost weight!!!)
so i went home, got all dolled up (i actually looked super cute!) put on some of my fancy perfume and off i was....(only snag of the night is that i lost my eyeliner... grr...will have to pick up some today)
so i head downtown, not sure who's showin' up when... and i sit at the bar waiting, when this drunk bum sits next to me, not realizing i'm trying to ignore him... he keeps mumbling towards me, trying to find out where i grew up... when salvation arrives! Freba and Roberta show up! so i run to them and we grab a seat, 10 mins later, julie shows up and now we're just waiting for amy...
in the meantime we get drinks.... i got a banana daquirie... it was HUGE! and then we get dinner, (grilled chicken w/ brie and roasted apples on a bun) and the night was off... after that, we trekked it up 3 flights of stairs to the patio, which was GORGEOUS and had more drinks (a strawberry daq.)
and before we knew it, it was time to go home...julie and i walked to the bus when the alcohol hit, and i think i was a little drunk... i stumbled onto the bus, where i ran into john, and then i can't really remember what all i said... but some random chick thought i was hilarious... so i actually became one of those ppl i make fun of.... eep... but all in all, it was a good night... i capped it off w/ some groceries and a bottle of water and headed home...
it's now almost 6 am, i'm just finishing breakfast and then i'm off to the gym, work and then other work.. and tomorrow i sleep in! woohooo!
peace out for now!~
the social drinker
ugh...

saturday, and an evening w/ crush...sigh...

my last 2 saturdays have been pure madness.. today i worked 12 hrs.
some highlights...
rude ppl
a completely drunk man who proposed to me 7 times...(and i told him i'd been happily married for 3 yrs.) i'm pretty sure he was a sexual predator...can't really say more...but it was challenging... and we later saw him half nude... it was sad....

THEN...
we had a brief staff meeting w/ crush and other ppl and then we went out for drinks...
i spent from 8pm until 12:30 am w/ crush... sigh... she's so pretty...i tried not to stare at her all night... it was hard.. .

then i drank more than i've ever drunk in one sitting...
and the last drink was prompted by crush... sigh... she ordered me a vodka soda w/ cranberries in a tall glass and explained the benefits... she seemed pretty adamant about me getting it... if it was anyone else i'd have refused, but for crush.. i'd do anything..

then i had to brave through downtown and catch a bus, and now it's 1:35 am, i've been up since 4:50am this morning...

tomorrow is a long day.. working out, clean house and guests are coming over for fun and games...

i learned a lot about ppl i work w/, and i realized just how much i love crush... she's absolutely GORGEOUS... i can barely stand it...

k, i'm off to bed.... .i have a headache and i'm super tired...

xoxo
drunk and in love...

homicide in the eyes...

i know you talk about me when i'm gone...
but you don't understand!
don't want to understand...
b/c i can't understand...

you go home and whisper ugly truths about me
speculating, making your snide remarks...
i speed away, face flushed and hot, heart beating like a maniac...

and then the darkness creeps in,
and i think about things that are wrong,
things that make me sick,
but i relish them,
i bathe in their depraved reality.

there are a million voices in my head
all demanding something else of me...
and then it gets quiet and all the thoughts come crashing in
they beg for attention and they want to destroy me.

and then you come in with your bullshit.
you smile and pretend you like me
and i know you talk about me behind my back.
i know what you say.
i know you talk about me with your friends,
making judgements...

there is no future...

fuck! or: how my day got worse and worse...

i passed out at like... 9pm and woke up at 2:30 am... tossing and turning, i finally watched some tv, and around 4:15 am fell asleep only to wake up at 5 am.. but i was all stoked to see crush!
i had a good cardio beginning to the day, and then i set up for class w/ crush only to find out that she wasn't coming! how awful! so class was kinda lame... then i dicked around for an hour, did another class w/ a chick who scares me, didn't get a good workout, but my legs are gonna be sore tomorrow...

then went and got travel insurance, shopped, and had a good meal, only the chicken i got was kinda blah...but i'll manage... THEN had a shit day at 2nd job, was sent home early, and as i sat down to eat my salad, i realized it was bad...boo...

i'm hoping to see crush tomorrow...b/c i'm working out a bit later than usual...and if not tomorrow, then there's always thurs....

another thing is that i learned that to work out in jewland, i need a letter from a dr. stating i'm in good standing to work out... i do not have a family dr. i'm going to see if crush can write some sort of letter... b/c that is bullshit... so now i'm worried that i won't be able to work out for a whole month! i'll just have to start lifting canned goods at home... shit...

i really hope tomorrow is better...

random quote:
Sarah: I can bear it no longer! Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever you may be take this child of mine far away from me!
Goblin: That's not it! Where did she get that rubbish? It doesn't even start with "I wish!"

a collection of randomness....

so this past pay period i worked over 95 hrs... i had a 15 hr day at the Y on sat... it was MADNESS...

i can barely think straight i've been so tired and overworked... but i figure that since i'm gone for a whole month, i need the $$$$....

nothing new and exciting... i was in the good city last week w/ countpart and taylor, could've gone better.. but i wasn't feeling well after we ate so we didn't hit as many stores.. but jugss mapped out a better plan for next time we go... (there's hope still taylor!)

i went to my first ever pervert party... at rachel's.. it was fun!

there might be some developments in the crush department.... but i'm trying not to get too excited about it... (b/c if i do, i'll wet myself...)
i get to see her tomorrow after not seeing her since friday!!!

i leave in 2 wks.. i'm sooo not wanting to go...

and finally, it's almost 7 pm.. i'm going to shower and chill for the rest of the night...

47 more days!!!! till madonna!!! i've already chosen what i'm buying at the show!

random quote: This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this. I am not your Queen!