disenchanted....

yet again, another post about a former crush...

i've been growing VERY disenchanted w/ her... not sure what it is... sometimes, when she asks me to do something for her, i feel like her bitch... i find her VERY fake...and she's a bad actor... her hate for me is so obvious... i think i'm done... and i've said it before, but now it feels authentic and driven home...

today she cemented that she hates me... i know i'm not crazy! i have proof...

i met w/ schmoopsie the other day and it was FABULOUS! we were chatting like old friends! we're going to meet for coffee at some point in the hopefully near future.

i've been promoted at work... i start next week... i'm excited...
i'm exhausted... i have no food at home and i have a crazy couple of weeks ahead of me... i start my certification for personal training on sat. ugh... so busy... all i wanna do is sleep... or stay in bed all day... for one day...
i think in march i'm going to plan a girl's night of horror movies and junk food...

and on that note.. i have some stuff to do and then hopefully go to bed...(early day tomorrow... work out, work, perhaps class, friend's bday, grocery shopping...)

random quote: nobody's really my friend, my friend. nobody wants to hold me back as i fall through the holes in life, i stumble blind folded...

the last few weeks...

i can't believe how tired and busy i've been... seriously!

i'm finally all moved in... just need to toss out the boxes and hang stuff up!
the place looks great! i've called it the Moulin Rouge! tee hee!
so i'm in charge of a couple of campaigns at work...both which start sometime next week...
i've also started this class about weight management...teaches you how to maintain a healthy weight and eat right, i'm working out again w/ vigor and eating semi right and yesterday, finally had a night out!
it was supposed to be a great big event w/ dozens of ppl attending but i guess due to the weather and ppl being lame.. only 5 of us showed up... so it was nice and cozy...(crush was there w/ my fave manager! who i like more and more the more i hang out w/ her!) i had a couple of banana daquiries, (and later regretted it...) and then someone pulled the fire alarm at the club and we all left...

THEN... today has just been a disaster!
first, it was time to do laundry:
so i gathered my shit, put on tights, socks a bra and a thin (super thin) sweater and off i went outside, around the building into the laundry room...
little did i know that the machine only accepts quarters.. so i was going to run upstairs and get change when...i realized i took my keys off the chain and they were still on my coffee table...(my door was open, but the building door was locked...) it's 8 am on a saturday... and i'm the new tenant... so i reluctantly started ringing random door bells...(at this point, i couldn't feel my body...) when a few minutes later, some kind soul opened up the door.
THEN i run up, grab my keys and change and run back down... i put the coin in... and NOTHING... so after a bit, i noticed it wasn't plugged in... i plug it in (dirty!) and....nothing! so i figure i need more coin... again i haul ass across the street in my flimsy outfit and get change, run back and gerry (guy who opened the door) explains that the machine's unbalanced i might need to move things around and take some stuff out.. i do this for 15 mins. in the FREEZING cold of an uninsulated laundry room... and finally give up...(so i pack my stuff dirty laundry w/ detergent on it..) and haul ass again upstairs, where i resorted to filling my tub w/ water and soap and let it soak for a couple of hrs... now, i'm off to test the dryer... wish me luck! i need clean undies!!! (tmi, i know..)

in other news... there's hope the day will pick up! i'm working later, and then possibly going out to a tranny friendly party!
tomorrow i work again and i get trained on a new thing... and monday i'm getting trained in my new position!

and finally.. i'm hoping on monday, i'm hoping to hop over to wal-mart to get crush a gift card (her house was broken into and trashed...so we all got together and raised $ to get her a gift card!) i'm also planing on getting a new shower head and possibly some new sweats!

and on that note, i'm ending this super long post...
M are you still here?!

random quote: nothing takes the past away like the future, nothing makes the darkness go, like the light...

i can't believe it's not butter! err.. i mean that it's been so long...

hmmm a lot has happened over the last month +...
i guess the most important thing, is that i'm moving! whoohoo!! i found a great little place downtown.. not too close and not too far from work..
i've decided to de-clutter my life... so the cleaning frenzy is alive and well in my house.... i can't believe the amount of junk i've stored up over the past 8 yrs... yeesh... good riddance to all the crap!
i'm hoping to be out of here by thurs. night... and settled into my new place...

in other news... i think my crush is subsiding... or maybe i've been too busy to notice...

bought new flicks:
an american crime
blade runner
sex and the city
beowulf
weird science
a time to kill
conan the barbarian

watched the spirit and valkyrie...
and got BIG SCREEN TV!!! whoohooo!!!!
and that's pretty much it for now, i guess... will write more from the new place!
peace out ya'll!
random quote:
honey, you shit your pants, i think you're done!

snowball effect...

today after working out... john comes up to me and goes:
who's your crush?
me: WHAT?!
john: i saw on facebook.. who's your crush?
me: that's so weird, b/c yesterday manager came up to me and asked me and said that someone on facebook told her...
john:it wasn't me... i just saw it today... so who is it?
me: i'm not telling...

later that day... one of my other managers:
manager: so what's this about a crush?
me: HOW DO YOU KNOW?! what is going on here???
manager: i know everything... so who is it?
me: no one!
manager: do they work here? or a member?
me: no. of course not!
manager: what is your crush's name?
me:i'm not giving you their name.
manager: their name? so gender neutral?
me: yes. it's either a boy or a girl... tee hee....
in walks john, and says that he's going to find out and that he'll stalk my friends on facebook...
ugh... i'm intrigued and worried...
NO ONE can find out about this.... blah...
maybe i need to seriously shut up... but to be honest... i love that ppl are talking about me.. i'm such an attention whore.. tee hee...
going to shower and off to bed!

random quote:
Fuck that! Fuck making it better. It's not getting better! I don't know how to make it better and I swear to God you don't either!

not sure how i feel about this...

so i'm INLOVE w/ crush... i can barely stand it...
today, i was at work... when my manager (and friend to crush) says to me...
"so, who's your crush?"
me: what?!
manager: i dunno, something about facebook and you having a crush?
me: ummm yeah... i... ummm....who were you talking to?
manager: oh, um.. i don't remember.. someone who you have on facebook and that works here...
me:who?!

she refused to tell me, but by deductive reasoning, i can deduce that it was crush...
so she reads and keeps tabs on me... and then talks about me w/ her friends.... hmmmmm...i'll admit, part of me..is ELATED! but another part of me is worried... but i'm mostly elated.. tee hee...
sigh.. i can't wait to see her again... she's gone for a week..

in other news...
BEANNIE was in town! and we hung out all wknd! sat. we went w/ dora to a super swanky italian restaurant and i ordered a daiquiri and got a martini that i couldn't finish... and then beanz and i watched porn for 1.5 hrs... this is why i love this girl! it was hysterical!
sunday dora, beanz and i went to the mall and i got 4 movies:
event horizon (2 disc sp. ed.)
four rooms
i am sam
the philadelphia story
and i spent the latter part of sunday in and out of sleep...
today was a good day.. worked out, worked and now i'm home chillin'...
tomorrow i work out 2wice and meeting w/ my trainer to set a new program...
and hopefully i'll be seeing an apartment tomorrow or wed.... wish me luck!
xoxo
the happy former hermit...
random quote:
Elspeth: If she doesn't have his goop in ten minutes, I'm going to go in there and get it myself!
Jezebel: That would be a first for you!

ugh...!

how can i change everything about me and not want to commit suicide???

i feel censored w/ this whole thing w/ crush...

today i felt like she was trying her hardest not to smack me.. she told me to shut up...(not in so many words...) i didn't sense a joking tone... she wasn't nice to today...she's a fake...

it upsets me...

i'm upset...

i feel off balance.. more so than usual...

i think i'm severely insane..

i don't like these ups and downs...

i feel unsettled...

i feel like a bruise on a beautiful body...

like i'm slow dancing in a burning room...(i stole that from someone from work...)

sigh... right now, i hate this... i hate..being...which is not to say that i want to die.. b/c i don't... at all...

i'm feeling overwhelmed...

empty...

full...

confused...

hurt and angry...

i'm going to work out all this frustration...

random lyric: funnyman could never be anything else...

the normal crazy is back!

so it's been a while, i'm ok now...
over the whole fiasco w/ crush... and am madly in love w/ her again!
(sorry M, she's a goddess... i can't help it!)
also last week went to the haunted halloween wonderland thing... was AMAZING! super cold and scary! went w/ rachel, zuber and megan, and had too much fun!

this wknd i went to a can't stop esther madonnarama marathon in t.o!
was AMAZING! it was like coming home... we found a parking spot across from the club, got some food, and then it was party time! we went in and they were playing beautiful stranger and then superpop! sarah and i flipped! and so we danced the night away (taylor was with us too!)
they had live performances by aldonna (a guy in drag and his posse recreating drowned world tour performances) and madgesty...it was non stop madonna and it was beyond divine!
can't wait for the next one!

also got some new dvds:
alien quadrology
scream trilogy
death becomes her...
needless to say, i'm a very happy camper once again!
i'm not going to confront crush... i finally let go.. i feel like my crazy self again and it feels great!
i have a great week of working out ahead and i just cleaned my room and my friends are coming over for movies/pizza later...

life's pretty grand these days! ah... good times!!!
till next time!

random quote: hey, i thought you were dead!
yeah i get that a lot!

FUCK!

i can't stop thinking of how mad i am...
i thought i could let it go... i thought i could be ok w/ it... let the shit roll...
but i can't stop thinking about it...
i'm going to let it slide for this week.. not do the class and see how i feel...
i need to think of a good excuse if she asks me why i wasn't there...

any ideas???

ugh...
signed:
incredibly frustrated...

a bit more...

so here's how crush aka whoreface stabbed me in the back...

i was having a rough week... possibly the roughest of my life... and i posted stuff on facebook...

she went to my boss and told her what i'd written on facebook... mind you, what i wrote had NOTHING to do w/ anything...

i'm mad that she didn't talk to me first...that she went to my boss... all week she's been so nice to me... asking me if things are ok... being so "sweet" and "caring" and checking up on me... kinda... ugh...

when i was called in to talk to my boss, boss said i can always talk to her, or the other manager, or crush... i can always talk to crush...(she said it twice)... which, naturally, i can't, b/c now i don't trust her... and she cares in a roundabout way... like, she comes up and asks about my workout.... blah... i've been kinda giving her the cold shoulder... and now i feel bad...

i'm going to confront her... but of course my stupid paranoid brain has already built up such a crazy scenario.... ugh... we'll see, i guess... i'm going to talk to boss today and see...


signed:
needs to get this resolved...

you're keeping me silent...

there's no where for me to go...
i feel betrayed, stabbed in the back
humiliated,
angry
raw
sad
horrified
embarrassed
intimidated
awful
thank god for chocolate!!!!

maybe nov. will be a better month????

i thought i could trust ppl....
crush has betrayed me... i'm so mad...
ugh... what a fucking bitch...
i hate life right now...
and i hate facebook even more...
FUCK!